(This post is dedicated to all the judgy moms out there)
This week a @mommymoments asked, ‘ Is it bad if I go through the dive thru for my coffee and my kids are a few minutes late for school?’
I said, ‘ As long as they’re there before the attendance goes down, they won’t be marked tardy.’
Then, she posted a picture of peanut butter and said, ‘…Is it bad that all I want for dinner is this with a spoon?’
And I said, ‘Its protein.’ Then, I reassured her that wine is a fruit, milk chocolate and ice cream are dairy, and eating celery burns calories.
All of a sudden, I became her hero. Her Bad Mother Mentor. She claims I will have a gazillion subjects once I’m crowned QEEN OF THE IRRESPONSIBLE, JUNK-FOOD EATING, WINE DRINKING BAD MOMS.
Well, if that’s the case, here are some guidelines for my Queendom:
1. Chicken nuggets, pizza pockets and pogos are an excellent dinner option, especially if you teach your kids to use the toaster oven to make it by themselves. Then, you can watch Young and the Restless in peace, and they’ll stop whining that they are hungry.
2. Kids were born to be your slaves. Make sure they know how to use the coffee maker from an early age. They should also know where the toilet paper is, in case you’re stuck on the potty and you forgot to refill the roll. They’re also excellent at fetching glasses of water,uncorking the wine, and unwrapping candy bars.
3. Its ok for the kids to be late for school, as long as its for a good reason, such as you didn’t feel like getting out of bed due to the wine party at your friend’s house the night before.
4. Underwear has two sides. If you haven’t had time to do laundry (because you were very busy at the gym or having lunch with your friends, or even napping), just pull a pair from the hamper/floor and turn it inside out. Voila, clean underwear.
5. Your happiness is the most important thing. Your children should learn to enjoy watching American Idol, Grey’s Anatomy, and So You Think You Can Dance . For goodness’ sake, storytime can WAIT until the commercial. As well, they should learn to sit quietly while you shop for bras, get manicures, and have a long and intense conversation over coffee.
6. Weekends are for sleeping. Your children should respect that and not enter your room until at least noon. If your children are bored, and want to do fun activities, they should find a friend whose mother actually enjoys playing with her children. Even better, make sure that friend lives next door so you don’t have to drive your child there (see Rule #7).
7. Your convenience is paramount. If there’s a conflict with your massage appointment and a birthday party invitation, your child will just have to watch teletubbies at home with a sitter. Make sure you have your children in proper increments so the teens can care for their siblings, and when its time, drive them around. This way, you can offload your spawn onto the older spawn.
8. A hot breakfast is overrated. Cold pizza does just fine, as does dry cereal if you’re out of milk. Fruit roll-ups are an excellent option (what do you mean there’s no fruit?). They can get their nutrients from vitamin supplements, after all.
9. Make sure the lunch boxes are full of junk food like cookies, chocolate bars, gummy bears, and fruit punch. There are two main benefits to this type of lunch. First, your child will have tons of energy for gym class. Second, they’ll be extremely popular when they trade their stuff out (and isn’t popularity all that’s important?)
10. Lastly, hygiene: children should learn to bathe themselves, wipe their butts, and brush their own teeth by age 2. This is very unpleasant business, and they should take care of it themselves. If they’re not visibly dirty, bathing once a week is satisfactory. Soap, while useful, is over-rated and could dry out their skin necessitating a time consuming visit to the doctor. If they don’t want to brush their teeth, that’s their own problem. If they don’t brush their baby teeth its fine, as they’ll get a second chance with their permanent teeth anyways.