My Own Fuck-it List

My very best friend childhood friend (that I stalked located on the Internet) Lisa Fineberg Cook shared her Fuck-it List with my other blog, momfaze.  She couldn’t post it on her own site, because in addition to being particularly witty and a champion beer drinker, she also owns a swim school. Apparently, it’s not that good for business to say Fuck 50 times on your swim school blog.  So, she gave it to me to post in momfazeRants. Over at momfaze we don’t teach swimming, so our expletives aren’t limited like hers. In fact, since we write about teenagers, we feel compelled to swear on a regular basis.

Anyhoo, I don’t particularly like to be outdone, plus I have an extensive list of my own Fuck-Yous (like in plural you, not Fuck Youze like Jersey Shore).

You’ll notice that it goes to 11… (Said in a British Accent.  If you don’t get it, then, well, go here and I’m sorry.)

Chicky’s FUCK-YOU List (Part 1)

1. If you think I talk too much, which is true, then FUCK YOU. So what. Maybe I have a lot to say or maybe I just like to hear the sound of my voice. Quite possibly, it’s a nervous habit.  Regardless, I’m not going to be ashamed of it anymore, and if you want to make me feel bad about my motor mouth then FUCK YOU.  Wear ear plugs if you don’t like it.
2. To all those people who think it’s ok to drink and drive, I’ve got one thing to say:  FUCK YOU. Not only are you going to kill yourself, but you’re endangering my husband, my kids, and well, everyone.
3. All of you that tell me I cannot sing, well FUCK YOU.  I think I sound great.  Once again, earplugs.
4. Dear Cellulite in my ass and thighs. FUCK YOU.  I hate you, and nothing is ever going to change that.  You totally ruin my rear-view impressions of myself. FUCK YOU for not being budged by yoga, walking, or anything else. I refuse to give up salt & vinegar potato chips for you. So, go FUCK yourself.
5. Body Dysmorphia and anxiety, I really hate you and want you to go FUCK yourselves. Stop controlling my life.  FUCK YOU plus FUCK YOUZE. Three times. or maybe four.
6. Anyone who thinks they’re better than anyone else and you know who you are, arrogant bastards, well, FUCK YOU.  Nobody is better than anyone, they’re just different. Well, except me. I might be a bit better at making guacamole than some people.
7. FUCK YOU anybody who messes with my kids. You can FUCK with me all you want, but when you FUCK with my kids, the gloves come off. Seriously,  I’ve got crazy in my eyes (see #5) and that’s not somewhere you want to go.
8. If you diss my predilection for romance novels, which list includes but is not limited to, 50 Shades of Grey, The Blackdagger Brotherhood, or other random spicy bodice rippers, well, FUCK YOU.  I’ve got brains and I’m not afraid to use them, but sometimes I like to read mindless sex books.  Why do you have a problem with that FUCKAS?
9. Organizational experts, you get a FUCK YOUZE.  I’m completely and totally disorganized, I know.  I’m never going to change. Ask my mother.  Your colour-coded charts and little labels for my shit make me feel fucking twitchy.  I have better things to do than clean up my fucking closet. Well, really  anything is better than cleaning my closet.
10. My faltering, aging body, FUCK YOU twice.  Stop getting hurt every time I try to get in some exercise.  More specifically, FUCK YOU tendonitis, FUCK YOU sciatica, FUCK YOU knees.  Please, let me kick #4′s ass.
11. Bucket lists, FUCK YOU. Stop reminding me of everywhere I want to go and everything I want to do. Life is short, I’d like to savour some of my moments rather than ticking them off and then moving onto the next fucking one.