Are you familiar with Spanx? Not sure? Have you worn a garment that made you feel like a panty-line dimple-free turkey sausage? If you have, then you’ve probably been Spanx-ed.
What’s surprising is that Spanx are designed by a woman. Her name is Sarah Blakely. And, while she might be a perfectly nice woman, I think she’s a sadist.
Because Spanx are the work of the devil.
Spanx are supposed to suck you in, smooth your wobbles, and create the appearance of firmness. Ass purported on the Spanx website, they were created to provide a blemish-free look.
Instead, they pinch your blobby bits until you want to cry. The booty shorts, which do shape your ass and flatten your stomach beautifully, also manage to squeeze all the fat downwards where it’s expelled like tube cheese out of the elasticated leg holes. It’s physics really, what goes in, must come out.
Talking about cheese-in-a-can, when you’re wearing Spanx you cannot consume food or drink. When they fit properly, they’re so tight an ice cube is over-eating. This is actually a blessing because once inserted into the garment, especially in popular combination-shapers, you cannot perform necessary bodily functions .
That is unless you’re willing to use the provided pee-slit. The pee-slit is a logistical nightmare, involving great dexterity, control over one’s spray, and superb multi-tasking skills.
Lastly, Spanx are as sexy as black socks. Especially when you can see the leg shapers through the slit in your cocktail dress
Which is a good thing, because Spanx are equally as hard to get off as they are to get on.
At least girdles and corsets had lace, ribbons, and ladies’ maids, gentlemen callers, swooning and smelling salts .
On the upside, they now have Spanx for men. Which means they’ll soon be illegal.
Obviously, I was not provided a sample of Spanx for this post, nor do I expect to be provided with any in the future.