Tips from an Old Mom: How to Prevent Your Husband from Banging the Nanny

Tips from an Old Mom: How to Make Sure Your Husband Doesn't Bang the Nanny

It seems that for Hollywood husbands, banging the nanny is more fashionable than the newest It-Bag or getting Botox is for their wives. Arnold Schwarzenegger did it. Ben Affleck did it. So did Jude Law. And now Gavin Rossdale too.

I can sort of see the appeal for both parties.

For the nanny, it’s the stuff Chick Lit is made of: she gets to sleep with a famous, hot, rich guy who has the potential to change her life. Sob. He’s so sad and lonely. His wife ignores him and is always too tired to have sex.* He needs fixing.

And for the guys, well it’s quite convenient, really. They get to bang their gong without even having to leave the house or buy her dinner. She’s already being paid bi-weekly. I mean, what man would turn that down?

Fran-Drescher-Shocked-Reaction-Gif-On-The-NannyUpstairs/Downstairs is a tale as old as time. Look at the Von Trapps. And while it worked out for them (a. Daddy was single; b. war time romance;  c. how many women are going to take on THAT many children?), the long-term relationship success rate between horny Dad & nanny offers the same odds as finding true love on The Bachelor. Sure, it’s worked out for Ethan Hawke and his babysitter. But that guy lists persistent as his top number one quality. I mean he agreed to film Boyhood for 12 years.

We’ll never really know why any Daddy bangs the nanny or vice versa, and to be honest, I’m not even that interested. Like, who knows why anyone does anything? Most of the time I don’t understand my own motivations. Although I’d like some intel on who in their right mind would cheat on Gwen Stefani.

So the key is not to figure out the mysteries of this messed up universe, but rather how to prevent it. I have expertise in this area.

I’ve had many nannies throughout my time as Mother and I can boast that (to the best of my knowledge**) my husband has NEVER banged my nanny.

And we even had a really pretty one from the exotic island of Tobago. Whoa was she gorgeous. Like all shiny and fresh-looking with a beautiful smile and a hot bod. Good thing she snuck her boyfriend in to smoke dope in my basement and charge up a $600 long-distance bill before dumping my kids with the next door neighbor and leaving never to be seen again.

Or else who knows what would have happened.

I mean, how was my spouse supposed to keep it in his pants faced with that kind of temptation?

(That was supposed to be sarcastic, in case you missed my tone.)

Since I’ve been putting my feminist sociology degree to zero use since 1990, I need to keep up appearances. I juBen Affleck's nanny Christine Ouzounianst CANNOT agree to blame the man in all these situations. Your patriarchal-he-was-in-the-power-position crap has no bearing in these particular sitches.

These nannies opened up their toy boxes just as willingly as those cheaters took out their light sabres for a play date. Take a look at the photos of Affleck’s hoochie sitta after she was outed. Does the blowout, on point handbag casually slung over her forearm and oversized designer eyewear tell you anything? Hint: it starts with ‘be famous like’ and ends with ‘a Kardashian‘.

Before I get carried away with a what-feminism-means-to-me rant and tell you exactly how to discourage special sleep-over dates between your husband and your nanny, I feel compelled to refute the 3 dumbest and most common solutions for preventing Daddy-on-Nanny-Action that I’ve heard:

Don’t hire a nanny. That’s just stupid. Childcare is a necessity in today’s busy world.

Don’t hire a pretty nanny. That’s just stupid. Do I have to tell you why?

Don’t leave your nanny alone with your husband. That’s just stupid. What if you want to travel for work.  Or ask her to do bath and bedtime (for the KIDS!) so you can go out for cocktails and a Magic Mike double bill.

How do I suggest preventing such a dangerous liaison?

Here are 2 ways you can prevent your husband from banging the nanny. 

1. Don’t have a husband who would bang the nanny.

2. Don’t hire a nanny who wants to bang your husband.

To further clarify, I have some advice for husbands who are trying to go against their animal instincts and avoid banging the nanny***. 

Don’t bang the nanny. Even if you want to. Even if she’s super-hot. Use some self-restraint, dude. Just because you have a gun doesn’t mean you have to use it. She’s there to take care of your children not your happy ending.

To help the nannies in their decision-making process, I provide this wisdom: 

Don’t bang your employer. Even if you want to like really bad. Even if he begs. Even if he sidles up to you in the servery as you prepare the chicken nuggets and rubs his boner in your backside while whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Even if he promises you that he’ll leave her and marry you, giving you the life you’ve always dreamed of.  Even if he’s Ben Affleck and Gavin Rossdale and Jude Law all rolled into one, DON’T DO IT! FYI-He’s a horny cheater who can’t keep his fly zipped up. And if he did it to her, he’ll do it to you.

And then what?

You’d be better off hiring a Manny. Now, there’s an idea. I hear Channing Tatum is good with kids.

In case you need it, here’s a printable image to put up on the fridge. Don’t forget to PIN it to Pinterest too.

How to Make Sure Your Husband Doesn't Bang the Nanny

Did I miss anything? Got any more tips to share? 

* I have some lovely land in Florida to sell you. It’s a bit swampy, but…

** I’m pretty knowledgeable.

***This advice applies only to married men. If you’re single go ahead and bang the nanny. After all, she already likes your kids. 

 

 

 

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