I Made Green Juice That Tastes Pretty Good (Not Like Vomit)

June 18, 2013 By 1 Comment

In the last several months, I’ve been working on getting healthier. I know that I’ve alluded to this great big fancy illness that I suffered (I knew I’d get a disease sooner or later, albeit a not-serious one)  in some of my recipes, but haven’t yet shared the whole Boring story (with a capital B). I have become much more mindful of what I’m eating, and have drastically changed much of my diet. (sadly, Doritos, potato chips, french fries et al. did not make the cut. Movie popcorn, however, did pass muster. It’s fibre, y’all.) I’m no crazy person (well, not about food), but I am working towards being one.

 

Part of this endeavour was to try juicing. I have read that green juice and other colours of juice are very healthy for you. I don’t usually drink juice, as I restrict my caloric drinks to liquor. However, I bought the Beauty Detox Diet last year, and while much of the recommendations in the book are not practical for me (Seriously, I’m not going to remember to take supplements four times a day), her Green Goddess juice did seem somewhat appealing.

 

Since I did not have a juicer, (and what I really wanted was this which I wasn’t getting because it’s $700 and you can go on a beach vacation for that), and since my husband said I could not have a juicer because this is still in the box in the basement due to the fact that I can’t figure out how to use it (of course I bought it off The Shopping Channel.) Ok so since I didn’t have a juicer and I wanted to juice, I went on Twitter and Facebook and started complaining that I didn’t have one. Vociferously. All the time. Except around Mothers Day, when I made it clear that a juicer did NOT make a good Mothers Day / Anniversary / Birthday gift.

 

Hamilton Beach Canada heard my cry and this pretty machine, aptly named The Big Mouth, showed up at my door. I was really happy, and felt validated that my whining, cajoling and begging resulted in more than disappointment.

 

It’s so easy to use. My 13-year old only had to show me three times how to put it together. Nothing, apparently, is like riding a bicycle for me (which I can’t do, actually. Like changing gears and moving is a big challenge .)

 

Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Juicer

Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Juicer
Photo credit: Amazon.com

 

First, we made orange juice from huge navel oranges. I had a juicer when I first got married, and it took 92 oranges to get one cup of juice. The Big Mouth took 3.

 

First bonus point.

 

Then, we made apple juice. The kids were confused about how and why the liquid was separating in the cup (clear liquid on the bottom, solids above) ,until I explained to them that it was real food, and that’s why it was behaving thus. They drank it. And liked it.

 

Second bonus point.

 

It took me less than three minutes to wash the whole thing with no weird bits sticking to anything anywhere. My kids don’t like weird dried bits anywhere. Also, I don’t clean, so easy clean up?

 

Third bonus point.

 

Then, I decided to try making green juice. I had a few false starts like when I forgot to put the cup where the juice comes out. But, you know, that could happen to anyone. I also didn’t realize how well the Big Mouth (I love saying that since, well..I AM a Big Mouth) extracts juice with it’s centrifugal force and I umm..made a lot.

 

First Juicing attempt

First Juicing attempt, otherwise known as vomit juice
Kale-Lettuce-Cucumber-Celery-Apple-Carrot-Strawberry

 

And it tasted like vomit. I literally almost vomited when I drank my kale-lettuce-spinach-cucumber-celery-strawberry-carrot-apple juice. I forgot I don’t like the taste of cucumber water, and put a WHOLE english cuke in my juice.

 

I didn’t drink it. I wasted about $30 in groceries, but, I’m the Mom, and nobody can make me drink/eat/do something I don’t want to do.

 

The next time, it was better. I left off the cucumber & lettuce, and added a beet. It tasted ok. Although, the next day I thought I had colon cancer until I remembered I ate a whole beet.

 

Still, I persisted. I kept trying and trying and trying. Because, I really wanted to juice with my awesome juicer that makes a lot of juice and is really easy to clean up.

 

Today I triumphed. Today, I made juice that didn’t taste like vomit. I didn’t have to plug my nose to drink it, and I could chug it slowly without crying.

 

Delicious kale-spinach-apple-carrot green juice

This green juice is the WINNER!
Baby Kale-Spinach-Granny Smith Apple-Carrot

 

It has:

 

Two giant handfuls of baby kale & spinach

1/2 a granny smith apple

1 large carrot

1/2 scoop of wheatgrass powder

 

My son says I like to be ironic because I drink my juiced juices out of a Guinness glass. I guess I am. I also drink my VegaOne shakes out of a Molson beer stein. You only live once. May as well pretend your green juice & protein shakes are beer.

 

Mmm…..Starting simple seems to be the way to go. Maybe tomorrow I’ll add ginger. I hear that’s good. Or, I could always put in a beet, and then feed it to my husband. That would be good for a laugh the next day.

 

Any suggestions for other goodies to add to my juice?

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Brand Experiences, Clean Eating, Healthy Living, Humour, Product Reviews Tagged With: , , , ,

Shizzle I Can Do Cuz I’m A Mom

May 10, 2013 By 7 Comments
Shizzle I've Learned as a Mom

Shizzle I can Do Cuz I’m a Mom

 

So, I’ve been a Mom a pretty long time now. In fact, if my Mom-ness was a person in the Province of Ontario, it would be able to drive, vote, and buy alcohol. Which is good. Mothering teenagers requires several boxes of wine per quarter. And you have to drive to the liquor store. You don’t want to take your boxes of wine on the bus. Or your cupcakes. They might get squished.

 

Since I’ve been in the game for a while, I’ve learned a few things. Not about motherhood, per se, because motherhood is crafty.

 

The only truth I’ve learned about actual mothering during my tenure is this: As soon as you think you’ve got the skills down pat, those kids change the game. They do something like get older or change who they are, or whatever. And then it’s back to square one. That place otherwise known as ‘Oh crap. What do I do now?’

 

No, what I’ve learned is about me (really, it always boils down to me). It’s been a voyage of self-discovery, this Mom & Pop operation. So, what have I found out in the last 19 (OY!) years besides the fact, as I mentioned, that I don’t really know what I’m doing and yet I seem to be doing it fairly competently (as evidenced by the fact that nobody is flunking out, on drugs, in prison, or banned from anyone’s house.)

 

I’m totally a super-hero. I know things, without even trying to know them. I can fix the most terrible boo boos with cold water, the promise of a rainbow, and a kiss.  I can hear things that are whispered, even when people aren’t at home. I can just sense when something is off-kilter or feelings are hurt. I can also do imaginary things that don’t exist except for the most special of us, like cause dishes to move into and out of the dishwasher, enable the cleaning and folding of clothes, activate the food-in-the-fridge program, and most difficult of all, turn off lights and close doors and cupboards.

 

I can make something from nothing. Well, not really, but it’s un-freaking believable what kinds of feasts I can create with a carrot, milk, some cheese, a few noodles (sprinkled with Mama glitter, of course. Don’t ask why the cupboards are bare, because it’s not that I didn’t have time per se to go grocery shopping, but more  due to the fact that I didn’t actually want to.) I can also procure bristol boards at 10:00 on a Sunday night, make igloos out of glitter glue & some styrofoam, pull kleenex from the air, and make a pair of shorts out of jeans that are too small.

 

I can shape shift. One minute I’m Florence Nightingale (see point #1) and the next I’m a teacher (You said WHAT? to her? No, that’s NOT how you do it. First, you call her up and…), then I’m Mrs. Fix-it (amazing what one can do with duct tape and a pair of dress pants), and a few minutes later I’m Mr. Rogers (Welcome to my neighborhood, won’t you please come in and eat all my food. No problem, I can just buy more…)

 

I’m a super-sleuth. I am all-knowing and can figure out mostly everything with my magical unicorn powers. And, what I don’t know, I can google in the bathroom, on an iPhone, while pretending to pee. I can also find anything, no matter where it is. Even if it’s not there, I can find it, and it doesn’t actually have to exist for it to show up when I cause it to. I don’t even have to twitch my nose or snap my fingers.

 

I can shoot daggers out of my eyes. If I’m mad, I don’t even have to say a word. I can just stare, emitting the most poisonous Jewish-guilt-tipped death rays. These looks are able to pierce even the most unrepentant child’s heart and conscience, and are far more effective than raising the voice, (a fact which has taken me 18 2/3 years to learn.) **Probably my greatest accomplishment as a mother***

 

I can travel time. I’d never have imagined it, but I can be in more than one place at the same time. It’s truly amazing. You know, I can be on a school field trip, the dentist, yoga, and my kitchen–all at once. Sometimes the time-travelling is just in my imagination, often during a particularly long and boring story about someone’s teacher’s sister and their project that..Tahiti…The gym…Adam Levine’s House…And sometimes the time travelling is on the wrong day, like that one time (or was it twice) I took my son to a Bar Mitzvah and it was the next weekend.

 

What else have I learned as a mother? Well, the usual stuff: what true love really is, patience, kindness, and understanding; fear, hope, and that no matter how many kegels you do when you’re pregnant, you’ll still never really be able to jump on a trampoline with confidence.

 

Oh, and also, that no matter how hard you try to keep it from them, your kids will eventually find out what you really were like in high school. They’re smart like that. Really smart.

 

And you? What shizzle can you add to your Mom-sume?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Family, Humour, Life Lessons, Teenagers Tagged With: , , , ,

Made You Smile, Sunday

April 28, 2013 By 3 Comments
MADE YOU SMILE, SUNDAY

MADE YOU SMILE, SUNDAY

 

Happy Sunday, Sunday!! Where I hang my hat, the weather is finally warming up. Yesterday was sunny, and when I went to the gym in my Lululemon capris, I didn’t freeze nor did people look at me weirdly (well, it’s possible they were looking at me weirdly anyways. That happens. And also, the previous weird-looking might have been because all winter I wore my Lululemon capris with Uggs.)

 

First to make me smile this week was the story of the men who were deported because they were TOO good-looking. What will make you smile, though, is not the ridiculousness of Saudi Arabia deporting men because they’re too sexy for their pants, but rather, the comments on the article. People really have too much time on their hands. I mean, GIFs of Usher?

 

I think I have a crush on Jezebel.

 

The whole site.

 

Browsing Jezebel’s site may become a bigger time-suckage problem than Candy Crush Saga.

 

candy crush saga rehab

Candy Crush Saga Rehab

 

I’m not sure if you already saw the video, entitled ‘How animals eat their food’, by Mr. Epic Mann (I want him to be my best friend). If you’re super immature like me, you’ll laugh your head off (like an 8-year-old boy making fart sounds under his arm), and if you’re not, you’ll at least crack a smile (or, you’ll walk off in a huff, in which case, this post did NOT make you smile.)

 

 

As always, where there’s a video, there’s a spoof, and South African comedy duo, Derek Wattss & the Sunday Blues, created this animated video, ‘How Humans Eat’.  It truly doesn’t disappoint (especially since one animal calls the other one out on his inappropriateness, while in the one featuring humans, the other just continues to eat his salad, whilst trying not to laugh.)

 

It’s actually quite brilliant, and I’m sure it will turn your frown upside down.

 

 

Lastly, I’d like to share my best friend saying YES! to my Wedding Dress. What a spectacular concoction of 1990s satin, lace and sequinny glitter it was. After a few boxes of wine last night, it seemed like a great idea to play dress up. Note the black socks.

 

Say Yes to the Dress Made You Smile Sunday

Say Yes to (Trying on) the Dress
Made You Smile, Sunday

 

Do you have a Made You Smile, Sunday post? Let me know And we’ll link up!! (Here is last week’s Made You Smile, Sunday, in case you missed it.)

 

Grab a toddler and have a sing-song! That’s what made Dani at Life over Easy smile this Sunday.

 

Filed Under: Humour, Made You Smile Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Correct use of the Apostrophe

April 24, 2013 By 9 Comments
The Correct Use of the Apostrophe

The Correct Use of the Apostrophe

 

Ok, I can’t take it anymore.  I need to say something about the flagrant abuse of the apostrophe.

 

I see it on your store signs, I see it on your websites. I see it on your Facebook statuses. I see it on your motivational posters, and your funny posters. And I see it in your marketing materials.

 

GAH!! The incorrect insertion of this sad little piece of punctuation makes me cringe all over. Lalalala. We can see it. Don’t pretend you’re not doing it.

 

I’m going to be frank with all of you who are guilty of this crime (which for sure almost is nearly everyone I know on Facebook, and also the whole world everywhere): Apostrophes are not for plurals.They are for possessives. And contractions. And just a few other things. 

 

If you say something about your pajama’s, we’ll want to know what exactly your  pajamas own.

 

Same with your book’s and your recipe’s and your table’s, and your car’s.

 

Otherwise, it’s books and recipes and tables and cars, several of them, that I’m interested in hearing about.

 

In case you’re confused, here are the rules for using apostrophes. As in the apostrophe’s use. (See what I did there?)

 

According to Purdue Writing Lab (a wealth of writing rules for students), there are just THREE uses for an apostrophe:

 

 1. To form possessives of nouns

I can usually ignore my husband’s annoying habits, except when I’m suffering from PMS. (Imagine if that were a plural. I would probably have to get a knife.)

 

2. To show the omission of letters (as in contractions)

I can’t stand when people use apostrophes for plurals.

 

3. To indicate certain plurals of lowercase letters (the ONLY exception for plurals, and that’s for visual appeal and not because it’s grammatically correct)

Mind your p’s and q’s.

 

Confused?

Do not use an apostrophe for any other plurals, including for years —> I know you can’t believe it, but I was born in the 1960s)

 

Or numbers —-> I took several 222s after my operation and was high as a kite.

 

Apostrophes are not necessary for Possessive Pronouns because THEY’RE ALREADY POSSESSIVE.  e.g., whose not who’s; hers not her’s or his not his’s

 

But...indefinite pronouns DO have an apostrophe: one’s, anyone’s , other’s, no one’s, and anybody’s. (English sucks, yeah?)

 

NOTE: It’s (contraction of ‘it is’) and its (possessive) are two different words with two different meanings. They are NOT interchangeable. No matter how hard you try.

 

One Final Example: 

 

When I read my dirty books, I like to pretend that they’re classics so my husband’s imagination doesn’t get its hopes up. It’s a little game I like to play, called, ‘Hide my book’s true identity.’

 

Confused? The Oatmeal makes it even more clear. And fun. They’re the Oatmeal. They have artists. And witty people. I’m just frustrated.  And I don’t have artists.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Proofread for apostrophes:

  • If you tend to leave out apostrophes, check every word that ends in -s or -es to see if it needs an apostrophe.
  • If you put in too many apostrophes, check every apostrophe to see if you can justify it with a rule for using apostrophes.

 

SOURCE FOR ALL TIPS: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01/

Filed Under: Humour, Life Lessons Tagged With: , ,

Made You Smile, Sunday

April 21, 2013 By 6 Comments
MADE YOU SMILE, SUNDAY

MADE YOU SMILE, SUNDAY

 

My friend Kat at Jackstrawlane started her ‘Feel Good Saturdays‘ a while ago. I just love the idea of sharing things that are upbeat and happy that she finds from around the web, or really anywhere inspiration might hit.

 

I think we all need a reminder to find our giggle button (Hopefully I make you laugh at least one a week. When I am not procrastinating.) And so, I introduce you to MADE YOU SMILE, SUNDAY.

 

Obviously, I like people to come and read my blog. And so, I do keep an eye on the search terms they used to get to me. Often it’s quite concerning what people are Googling (there are a lot of perverts out there). Once in a while, though, there’s a real gem that makes me scratch my head and snicker.

 

‘every day the husband asks the wife what did u do today n then when he sees a mess in the house she says i just didnt feel like doing it today’

 

A) Curiously accurate

B) Longtail search terms are obviously not dead

 

This is a video that was shared by a friend on Facebook. It got me giggling, and my 17-year old son says it’s the best commercial he’s ever seen. I’m not really sure what it has to do with water, and frankly, I don’t care.

 

 

And.. Lastly, I ask you what exactly IS the Lochte Edge? Don’t ask Ryan Lochte, because it’s too hard of a question and you might stump him. However, as the anchor says, he IS good looking. And, ‘He’s a man at night AND a man in the morning.’

 

Don’t pee in your Depends.

 

Have a great rest of your Sunday!! Don’t forget to smile!

 

 

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Humour, Made you Smile Sunday Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Ladies! It’s Time We Love Ourselves Like the Dove Real Beauty Sketches, Men Edition

April 18, 2013 By 2 Comments
Dove Campaign for self esteem

Chickymara (that’s me) and daughter in the Dove Campaign for Self-Esteem

 

A long, long time ago, before I had wrinkles, my daughter and I were in one of the first Dove Campaigns for Real Beauty.  It was the most amazing experience, and ever since the day of that shoot, where they made my awkward, pubescent 11-year old feel like the movie star that she is, I’ve been a huge fan of the brand. I really like what Dove stands for when they support self-esteem, diversity, and the innate beauty that is on the inside and outside of every single woman.

 

The picture above was during the shoot (the t-shirts weren’t ready, so they added the logos later). The picture below was used again, last year on the Yummy Mummy Club as part of the Dove Celebrate Moms program. (Imagine my surprise to see it pop up again 8 years later. We do NOT look like that anymore…)

 

Dove Campaign for Self Esteem Mothers and Daughters

Me (Chickymara) and my daughter in the Dove Campaign for Self-Esteem

 

Dove’s newest campaign is called the Real Beauty Sketches. Truly eye-opening, this video is intended to be a wake-up call. It truly shows the vast disparity   between how we perceive ourselves and how others see us. How they see our real beauty. Right after I watched the video, I ran to the mirror to compliment myself on my bright eyes, Marie Osmond Smile, and still lush hairline.

 

Watch the video, and then go look in the mirror. Come back and tell me what you see.

 

 

Of course, with every great video comes a parody. And so, someone has made the Dove Real Beauty Sketches-Men. Hmmm… Wonder how men perceive their own attractiveness vs how women see them…

 

 

‘What would you say is your most prominent feature?’

Umm.. My bulge…

My Mom says I have really nice teeth.

I have a balanced face, almost like aWhite Denzel Washington…

The older I’ve gotten, the more stunning I’ve gotten.

 

And when the women were asked what the men looked like…

 

He looks dirty.

His face looks like a lawn gnome.

He looked like he smelled. And he did.. Really bad, actually.

 

All kidding aside, don’t you think women should take a page from the men?  LET’S START TO LOVE OURSELVES LADIES!

 

men vs women: it's time women love ourselves like men do

Love Yourself Like a Man Loves Himself Photo source: brucesallan.com

 

Can you tell me three things you love about yourself, MAN-style?

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Fun, Getting Older, Humour, Life Lessons Tagged With: , , , , ,

Culturally Mired Backhanded Compliments from my Cleaning Lady

March 25, 2013 By 13 Comments
my cleaning lady gives backhanded complemens

Culturally mired backhanded compliments from my cleaning lady (image source: tumblr.com)

 

So today I realized two things.

 

1. My cleaning lady doesn’t mince her words.

2. The art of the compliment can sometimes get bogged down in cultural differences.

 

Three Conversations with my Cleaning Lady: 

 

Her (after overhearing a certain discussion with my husband): You were a very strong wife.. hmmm…

Me: Well, he was being a jerk. Should I let him get away with that?

Her: Hrmp… (I think that means yes, I should let him get away with it. A good wife would just smile and keep her mouth shut.)

 

And later…

 

Her: You don’t have to drive me home. You look really tired. Like under your eyes. Don’t you sleep?

Me: (defensively) Well, I’m not wearing any makeup and I always look tired. I have bad dark circles.

Her: (proudly) I only need 3 hours of sleep. You look REALLY tired.

 

And a few minutes later…

 

Her: So, you’re really not so sexy anymore (I think sexy stands for thin…) But I think I like it.

Me: Well, I did put on a few pounds (but thanks for pointing it out to me). It’s my medication.

 

Her: My friend, OH! she got so FAT from her medication. Here and here (she pats her stomach and her legs). Just like where you’re not as sexy anymore (again, thanks for pointing out I’m not sexy), but you’re not AS big as my friend.

 

Me: Well, I think my husband likes it like this. I was too thin before. It’s not natural for me.

 

Her: Hrmp.. (Oh.. so now you’ve got nothing?) I think I like how you look. (Finally!) You’re meaty in your legs. (And here we go again…)

 

Trying not to take it all too personally. In fact, I’m going to take it all as a compliment. Who wants to be sexy anyways.

 

And the first exchange? That might be good advice. It’s possible I was being a hard wife (whatever that is…)

 

PS Once she came over and when my dog sniffed her crotch she announced, ‘Wow. I must smell really good.’

 

Cultural Differences 101. Yessiree.

 

 

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Fun, Humour Tagged With: , , , , ,

Ten Reasons You Should Take Down Your Christmas Decorations

March 13, 2013 By 5 Comments
house with a lot of crazy christmas lights

10 Reasons to Take Down Your Christmas Lights

 

Dropping my cleaning lady off the other day… (Yes, I have a cleaning lady. I don’t do housework. Are you disdainful of my obvious laziness or jealous that I’ve found a way out of practicing the art of housewifery.). Anyways, dropping my Charwoman (I like that, don’t you? Sounds so retro) off at home the other day, I noticed that the house across the street from hers still had their Christmas lights up. Full out-dangling icicles, lights around the trees, even wreaths on the garages and front doors. Since I’m Jewish, I don’t really understand (I blame the Jewishness because what else can one blame when looking at ugly grey icicle-shaped wires in March. And also, this is exactly why we don’t decorate our houses, because then you have to take it all down. Life needs to be simple).

 

I decided that short of marching right up to their door and gently suggesting (while holding some kind of very effective weapon), that they take out a ladder and take that shizzle down, the only thing I could do about this sorry state of affairs was to a) tell the whole internet about their disgrace; b) list the reason why they should box up the Christmas detritus until next year.

 

Choice A was tempting, but Choice B covered both (the first, unlettered option was my favourite, but I’m a peaceful passive-aggressive and I didn’t know where to get a weapon in a hurry).

 

10 Reasons you should take down your Christmas decorations.

  1. Christmas is over
  2. New Year’s Eve is over
  3. Valentine’s Day is over
  4. Family Day is over
  5. St. Patrick’s Day is coming, and shamrocks and other greenery would give your house a nice spring-like appearance
  6. Spring is next week
  7. Even the snow men have called it in
  8. Easter decorations make a lovely accent to any home
  9. Summer is coming
  10. Your neighbours all hate you for bringing down their property values and are secretly planning to take your decorations down in the dead of night, replacing them with giant banners of you and your hairstyle from the 80s
(See, you can easily exchange the Christmas strands for lovely green shamrocks)
house decorated for st patrick's day

See, you can easily exchange the Christmas lights for pretty shamrock strands

 

Or, even garland a tree with a few Easter eggs…

 

tree decorated for easter

Replace those Christmas lights with a few Easter eggs!!
(photo: globalawareness.com)

photo credit: Puzzler4879 via photopin cc

photo credit: cindy47452 via photopin cc

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Holidays, Humour Tagged With: , , , ,

That Time When Murphy and His Law Took Over My Vacation: Part 2

January 8, 2013 By
chicken stands at every gas station

Why do they have chicken at every gas station?

 

Wondering what happened after we selected our accommodations for the first night of our vacation?

 

First, I need to tell you about some more VDIs (other than us booking the wrong cruise ship)…

 

  • When our travel agent called Carnival to book the rooms they had on hold, they hadn’t held them and she had to re-book, so we had to take two more expensive rooms (like my kids need a balcony?) and lost a shipboard credit promo
  • When I went to check in online, I found that Carnival’s systems do not work with Mac (how rude), so I had to call and have a human do our check in.  I realized they’d spelled my name wrong, and the rep was happy to fix it. I called later to try and fix the next VDI, and found that they had charged me $50 to fix my name because it was a four letter change and they only do three letter changes for free (I kid you not.)
  • I checked our dining choice and we’d been reassigned from the late seating to the ‘Anytime Dining’ (translate: eat when you want but stand in yet another line and carry a pager around.) When I called to fix the mistake, I was told they couldn’t do it (but they could put me on a waiting list for what I’d booked in the first place), but as a GOODWILL gesture they’d credit me the $50 for the name change (WHAT!? What $50?!)

 

I TOLD you. Vacation Doom Indicators. We should have stayed home. I was warned. I had a feeling…

 

Back to the Red Roof Inn, a savvy choice for travellers on the road, pet-friendly and only $62/night including bars of soap. The foyer looked clean to me, the lady at the desk had a charming Southern Accent even though she couldn’t work the computer, and there was a nice nativity scene in the corner (December 19th) next to the free breakfast (there would be sugary pastries, I was sure of that.)  For some reason we decided to schlep ALL of our luggage, the reason being that I had neglected to order the troops to pack a change of clothing in their carry-on bags. The rooms looked pretty fine, even though we could smell the smoking section (how weird that there are States where you can still smoke indoors).

 

Bravely venturing out into the night, we found that the local Italian closely resembled Breadsticks from Glee (mostly because they served garlic breadsticks with tomato sauce for dipping. How amazing), and that they sold irresistible slices of cake off of rounds that were the size of hatboxes. Particularly delicious was the ‘Everything Cake’ which had 5 different kinds of cake and icing layered one on top of each other (chocolate fudge, cheesecake, red velvet, vanilla, carrot with the appropriate topping).

 

 

Sadly, the gas station sold fried chicken but not wine, because we’d inadvertently stumbled into a dry county (yes, like in Footloose), but you could go to a bar and drink and THEN drive home if your heart desired. We did not, so we went back to the hotel to snuggle up in bed and watch the XFactor Finale on the little tiny TV.

 

That was a bad idea. Or was it? I’ll never know

 

Next morning, we awoke at the crack of dawn or maybe it was earlier, re-zipped our baggage (oh..why did we bring pillows in, open all those closely packed duffles and also throw our coats on the floor…), and schlepped everything back down to the lobby where all the truck drivers and assorted people in trucker hats stared at the six Jews and one tiny dog delicately tasting the grits from the slow-cooker (Dang, but ain’t that a tayny dawg…’ ) We (meaning my husband and two strapping sons) loaded up the car while bestie and I drank coffee and pretended to look useful and the 18-year old daughter maintained a look on her face that scared even the plastic Santa adorning the breakfast bar.

 

We inelegantly crammed ourselves back into that third row (I’m not sure what was more unattractive-two forty something women clambering into a stuffed backseat, or the same two women trying to find their shoes and attepting to get back out) and took off, gazing sadly at the White Castle that we took a pass on for fear that one of us would have diarrhoea on the road. We said goodbye to Kentucky, and said hello to the Carolinas.

 

 

And that was when the real trouble began. For just after one of those gas stations featuring dirty toilets, more fried chicken, and pigs feet in the jar, my right chest began to itch.

 

 

a delicious assortment of southern pickled delicacies

A delicious assortment of southern pickled delicacies

 

By Georgia, my left arm was the same.

 

By 9 pm, we had arrived in Cocoa Beach Florida. My leg had welts, my hand was itchy, and my belly button felt curious. I almost couldn’t enjoy my iHop nutty pancakes, but I managed. We brought our bags (and pillows!) into the nice Hampton Inn, and once again opened up the zippers.

 

But what was I bringing into those sheets?

 

I awoke in the middle of the night dreaming of Benadryl and that goddammed prescription Cortison Cream I’d decided to leave at home.

 

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Family, Fun, Humour Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

That One Time When We Took a Vacation (Part 1)

January 7, 2013 By

That One Time When We Took a Vacation

That One Time When We Went on A Road Trip

 

I’m about to share a tale that will make you feel really good about your life. So take out your tiny violins, and get ready to hear What Happened on my long-awaited winter vacation.

 

Forebodingly, or maybe mistakenedly, I gave the trip the hashtag #GriswaldFamilyVacation (yes, I know I spelled Griswold wrong.)

 

Have you heard the expression Man Plans and God Laughs?

 

We’ve planned a trip of some sort or another for several years, but then always found ourselves in cancellation mode when the deposits were due. Once again,with our trip to Israel, we booked, even put deposits down, and then found ourselves wriggling out of the arrangements. I did promise the children a vacation, so we planned an extravaganza which included a 2-day fun-filled drive to Florida, a week long Carnival cruise, 5 days in Ft. Lauderdale with friends, then another exciting, scenic 2-day drive through the American South and upwards.

 

This trip was going to be FANTASTIC, I assured the kids, after booking us on a cruise that many of their friends were also going on. I kept feeling in the back of my mind, though, that something would go wrong. I’m usually a positive person, but I just had a bit of a twitch.

 

There was that, what do you call it…Vacation Doom Indicator (VDI):

 

Ummm…Mom…You booked us on the wrong ship. Everyone is going on the Breeze. And we’re going on the Dream.

 

Oops.

 

It’s ok honey(s). You’ll make new friends on the ship. (They didn’t. Imagine 2 teenage boys walking into a room full of other teenagers and saying, Hey, you look my age. Want to play?)

 

Before we left, I got my car checked out to make sure everything was in working order. I made sure to bring my ziploc full of necessary medical supplies such as bandaids, Advil, Gravol and Benadryl. To make the package smaller, I took out my giant tub of prescription cortisone cream (because why would I need that.) We managed to pack everything into the car. Including my best friend and her tiny dog. Five people in my 6-seat Ford Flex wasn’t enough, I had to fill every seat.

 

We bought 5 duffels on wheels (on sale for $160!), and told the kids that if it didn’t fit in the bag, it wasn’t coming.  I’m an over-packer (thankfully, you’ll see why), and was pleasantly surprised to find how much I could you squeeze into one of those duffels (like 5 pairs of high heels, a pair of converse, many sandals, and almost all of my clothes). The 18-year old girl was similarly gratified, although, to tell you the truth, her things are kind of scanty and squish up really well.

 

We set off on a cool wintry morning at the break of dawn. My bestie & I, relegated to the back seat, were quite happy to mold ourselves in between the bags, content with our Tim Hortons and her tiny dog. We had an iPad, Kindle, Kobo, and data plans so we could Facebook each other from what can’t even be considered the next seat. This drive to Florida was going to be an adventure, we agreed. A real Thelma and Louise time (without Brad Pitt or headscarves, and plus my husband and three children.) One unparallelled in the annals of vacations, in fact, even though the teenagers wouldn’t let us sing, we couldn’t actually move our legs, and the man wouldn’t let us drive (which was fine since there was no way anyone else–well maybe the 13 year old–could, or was willing, to pretzel themselves into that 3rd row. Thank you yoga.)

 

The first day was fun. We giggled, we tried not to snack until we remembered we had black licorice mix, we used our feminine wiles to suggest that it ‘might be time for a pee break.’ We kept the doggie from crawling through the car and trying to sit on the driver’s lap (since he had threatened to hang her out the window if she made it up there).

 

After hours in the car, 10 to be exact, in Kentucky, it was time to call it a night…A Red Roof Inn Kinda night.  And that’s when the REAL fun began…

 

To be continued….

 

 

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Family, Fun, Holidays, Humour Tagged With: , , ,
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