What Does 20 Years of Marriage Mean?

May 16, 2013 By 22 Comments
Marriage Quote by Rita Rudner

Marriage Quote by Rita Rudner
Celebrating 20 years of marriage

 

Twenty years. What can a person accomplish in 20 years?  Well, apparently, and somehow, against all odds, being the child of multiple divorces, I have accomplished a marriage.

 

Today is my 20th anniversary.

 

Twenty years ago today, I was wearing a gigantic white satin Eve of Milady dress that was so large it required it’s own bedroom in my Mother’s house, and three people to hold it up so I could pee, and chomping at the bit for my turn down the aisle. I was excited. No jitters for me. This was my moment.

 

20 Years of Marriage

20 Years of Marriage

 

The party was planned down to every last detail, including tiny white rosettes which were glue-gunned onto black and gold napkin rings made from the same ribbons used in the bouquets. My event was going to go off without a hitch. Never mind the band didn’t know how to play OUR SONG, More Than Words by Extreme. Everything else was going to go great. Not to worry that my father was late, and I walked in on him and my mother in the bathroom and after 20 years of divorce she was helping him get dressed, which was completely weird. That was all secondary.

 

20 years before: under the Chuppah

20 years before: under the Chuppah

 

It wasn’t even just about the wedding. It was about the marriage. Me, and Jack, and making a family. I knew that a lot of brides lost sight of that, but I wasn’t going to.

 

Happiness at the wedding

Marking 20 Years of Marriage

 

I knew that I was getting MARRIED.

 

That I would be a WIFE.

 

That it would be WORK.

 

That there would be UPS and DOWNS and even SIDEWAYS. I knew all these things, but I really had no idea what they would mean. I was 25 years old, in love, and excited to embark on a grand adventure. One that was beginning with three weeks in France and Italy. That’s reality.

 

Twenty years. Three children. Four dogs, two houses. Jobs, careers, career changes, romance, arguments, making up. Socks thrown (better than books or dishes, right?) screaming, laughter, tears, and love. Roadblocks, understanding, headbanging, wallbanging (you know what I mean), making out, making up, and the odd “Get the hell out.”

 

Twenty years of compromise and respect, and the occasional disrespect. And understanding that you can love someone but not like them for that moment.

 

All those years, and I didn’t really get it. I mean, I got it a bit, because we’ve made it through some pretty interesting times. But, until last week, I didn’t understand the depth of it. The reason it’s lasted 20 years.

 

Have you read The Gift of the Magi by O.Henry? I have read it so many times, but it has never truly resonated with me. Until now.

 

In the story, James and Dilla want more than anything to buy each other the perfect Christmas present. But, they don’t have very much money. Life is tough  but they have one another to lean on. This one time, though, they want to do something special for their true love, to make them happy with a ‘thing’. But, as they find out, it’s really the thought, the mutual sacrifice, that really matters.

 

The Gift of the Magi, the irony of the gifts that James and  Dilla gave each other, the offerings that they would make to ensure their partner’s happiness above their own. That is what marriage truly is.

 

After 20 years, I know this. Because I’ve just experienced it.

 

So, I believe, that’s why we stay together, no matter how many fists are clenched in frustration, how many nasty retorts are bitten back or complaints are made about an unloaded dishwasher or a forgotten call home. When we’re both stressed to the max and have nothing left over, when we ask too many questions, or not enough. When all we can feel and see is that feeling of “Who IS this person? And why? Just why?”

 

No matter all of that, when my husband would sell his proverbial watch to buy me a jewelled comb for my hair,  I know that he loves me. That we’re meant for each other.

 

That is what you can accomplish in 20 years.

 

 

Filed Under: Getting Older, Life, Life Lessons Tagged With: , , ,

Shizzle I Can Do Cuz I’m A Mom

May 10, 2013 By 7 Comments
Shizzle I've Learned as a Mom

Shizzle I can Do Cuz I’m a Mom

 

So, I’ve been a Mom a pretty long time now. In fact, if my Mom-ness was a person in the Province of Ontario, it would be able to drive, vote, and buy alcohol. Which is good. Mothering teenagers requires several boxes of wine per quarter. And you have to drive to the liquor store. You don’t want to take your boxes of wine on the bus. Or your cupcakes. They might get squished.

 

Since I’ve been in the game for a while, I’ve learned a few things. Not about motherhood, per se, because motherhood is crafty.

 

The only truth I’ve learned about actual mothering during my tenure is this: As soon as you think you’ve got the skills down pat, those kids change the game. They do something like get older or change who they are, or whatever. And then it’s back to square one. That place otherwise known as ‘Oh crap. What do I do now?’

 

No, what I’ve learned is about me (really, it always boils down to me). It’s been a voyage of self-discovery, this Mom & Pop operation. So, what have I found out in the last 19 (OY!) years besides the fact, as I mentioned, that I don’t really know what I’m doing and yet I seem to be doing it fairly competently (as evidenced by the fact that nobody is flunking out, on drugs, in prison, or banned from anyone’s house.)

 

I’m totally a super-hero. I know things, without even trying to know them. I can fix the most terrible boo boos with cold water, the promise of a rainbow, and a kiss.  I can hear things that are whispered, even when people aren’t at home. I can just sense when something is off-kilter or feelings are hurt. I can also do imaginary things that don’t exist except for the most special of us, like cause dishes to move into and out of the dishwasher, enable the cleaning and folding of clothes, activate the food-in-the-fridge program, and most difficult of all, turn off lights and close doors and cupboards.

 

I can make something from nothing. Well, not really, but it’s un-freaking believable what kinds of feasts I can create with a carrot, milk, some cheese, a few noodles (sprinkled with Mama glitter, of course. Don’t ask why the cupboards are bare, because it’s not that I didn’t have time per se to go grocery shopping, but more  due to the fact that I didn’t actually want to.) I can also procure bristol boards at 10:00 on a Sunday night, make igloos out of glitter glue & some styrofoam, pull kleenex from the air, and make a pair of shorts out of jeans that are too small.

 

I can shape shift. One minute I’m Florence Nightingale (see point #1) and the next I’m a teacher (You said WHAT? to her? No, that’s NOT how you do it. First, you call her up and…), then I’m Mrs. Fix-it (amazing what one can do with duct tape and a pair of dress pants), and a few minutes later I’m Mr. Rogers (Welcome to my neighborhood, won’t you please come in and eat all my food. No problem, I can just buy more…)

 

I’m a super-sleuth. I am all-knowing and can figure out mostly everything with my magical unicorn powers. And, what I don’t know, I can google in the bathroom, on an iPhone, while pretending to pee. I can also find anything, no matter where it is. Even if it’s not there, I can find it, and it doesn’t actually have to exist for it to show up when I cause it to. I don’t even have to twitch my nose or snap my fingers.

 

I can shoot daggers out of my eyes. If I’m mad, I don’t even have to say a word. I can just stare, emitting the most poisonous Jewish-guilt-tipped death rays. These looks are able to pierce even the most unrepentant child’s heart and conscience, and are far more effective than raising the voice, (a fact which has taken me 18 2/3 years to learn.) **Probably my greatest accomplishment as a mother***

 

I can travel time. I’d never have imagined it, but I can be in more than one place at the same time. It’s truly amazing. You know, I can be on a school field trip, the dentist, yoga, and my kitchen–all at once. Sometimes the time-travelling is just in my imagination, often during a particularly long and boring story about someone’s teacher’s sister and their project that..Tahiti…The gym…Adam Levine’s House…And sometimes the time travelling is on the wrong day, like that one time (or was it twice) I took my son to a Bar Mitzvah and it was the next weekend.

 

What else have I learned as a mother? Well, the usual stuff: what true love really is, patience, kindness, and understanding; fear, hope, and that no matter how many kegels you do when you’re pregnant, you’ll still never really be able to jump on a trampoline with confidence.

 

Oh, and also, that no matter how hard you try to keep it from them, your kids will eventually find out what you really were like in high school. They’re smart like that. Really smart.

 

And you? What shizzle can you add to your Mom-sume?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Family, Humour, Life Lessons, Teenagers Tagged With: , , , ,

The Correct use of the Apostrophe

April 24, 2013 By 9 Comments
The Correct Use of the Apostrophe

The Correct Use of the Apostrophe

 

Ok, I can’t take it anymore.  I need to say something about the flagrant abuse of the apostrophe.

 

I see it on your store signs, I see it on your websites. I see it on your Facebook statuses. I see it on your motivational posters, and your funny posters. And I see it in your marketing materials.

 

GAH!! The incorrect insertion of this sad little piece of punctuation makes me cringe all over. Lalalala. We can see it. Don’t pretend you’re not doing it.

 

I’m going to be frank with all of you who are guilty of this crime (which for sure almost is nearly everyone I know on Facebook, and also the whole world everywhere): Apostrophes are not for plurals.They are for possessives. And contractions. And just a few other things. 

 

If you say something about your pajama’s, we’ll want to know what exactly your  pajamas own.

 

Same with your book’s and your recipe’s and your table’s, and your car’s.

 

Otherwise, it’s books and recipes and tables and cars, several of them, that I’m interested in hearing about.

 

In case you’re confused, here are the rules for using apostrophes. As in the apostrophe’s use. (See what I did there?)

 

According to Purdue Writing Lab (a wealth of writing rules for students), there are just THREE uses for an apostrophe:

 

 1. To form possessives of nouns

I can usually ignore my husband’s annoying habits, except when I’m suffering from PMS. (Imagine if that were a plural. I would probably have to get a knife.)

 

2. To show the omission of letters (as in contractions)

I can’t stand when people use apostrophes for plurals.

 

3. To indicate certain plurals of lowercase letters (the ONLY exception for plurals, and that’s for visual appeal and not because it’s grammatically correct)

Mind your p’s and q’s.

 

Confused?

Do not use an apostrophe for any other plurals, including for years —> I know you can’t believe it, but I was born in the 1960s)

 

Or numbers —-> I took several 222s after my operation and was high as a kite.

 

Apostrophes are not necessary for Possessive Pronouns because THEY’RE ALREADY POSSESSIVE.  e.g., whose not who’s; hers not her’s or his not his’s

 

But...indefinite pronouns DO have an apostrophe: one’s, anyone’s , other’s, no one’s, and anybody’s. (English sucks, yeah?)

 

NOTE: It’s (contraction of ‘it is’) and its (possessive) are two different words with two different meanings. They are NOT interchangeable. No matter how hard you try.

 

One Final Example: 

 

When I read my dirty books, I like to pretend that they’re classics so my husband’s imagination doesn’t get its hopes up. It’s a little game I like to play, called, ‘Hide my book’s true identity.’

 

Confused? The Oatmeal makes it even more clear. And fun. They’re the Oatmeal. They have artists. And witty people. I’m just frustrated.  And I don’t have artists.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Proofread for apostrophes:

  • If you tend to leave out apostrophes, check every word that ends in -s or -es to see if it needs an apostrophe.
  • If you put in too many apostrophes, check every apostrophe to see if you can justify it with a rule for using apostrophes.

 

SOURCE FOR ALL TIPS: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01/

Filed Under: Humour, Life Lessons Tagged With: , ,

Ladies! It’s Time We Love Ourselves Like the Dove Real Beauty Sketches, Men Edition

April 18, 2013 By 2 Comments
Dove Campaign for self esteem

Chickymara (that’s me) and daughter in the Dove Campaign for Self-Esteem

 

A long, long time ago, before I had wrinkles, my daughter and I were in one of the first Dove Campaigns for Real Beauty.  It was the most amazing experience, and ever since the day of that shoot, where they made my awkward, pubescent 11-year old feel like the movie star that she is, I’ve been a huge fan of the brand. I really like what Dove stands for when they support self-esteem, diversity, and the innate beauty that is on the inside and outside of every single woman.

 

The picture above was during the shoot (the t-shirts weren’t ready, so they added the logos later). The picture below was used again, last year on the Yummy Mummy Club as part of the Dove Celebrate Moms program. (Imagine my surprise to see it pop up again 8 years later. We do NOT look like that anymore…)

 

Dove Campaign for Self Esteem Mothers and Daughters

Me (Chickymara) and my daughter in the Dove Campaign for Self-Esteem

 

Dove’s newest campaign is called the Real Beauty Sketches. Truly eye-opening, this video is intended to be a wake-up call. It truly shows the vast disparity   between how we perceive ourselves and how others see us. How they see our real beauty. Right after I watched the video, I ran to the mirror to compliment myself on my bright eyes, Marie Osmond Smile, and still lush hairline.

 

Watch the video, and then go look in the mirror. Come back and tell me what you see.

 

 

Of course, with every great video comes a parody. And so, someone has made the Dove Real Beauty Sketches-Men. Hmmm… Wonder how men perceive their own attractiveness vs how women see them…

 

 

‘What would you say is your most prominent feature?’

Umm.. My bulge…

My Mom says I have really nice teeth.

I have a balanced face, almost like aWhite Denzel Washington…

The older I’ve gotten, the more stunning I’ve gotten.

 

And when the women were asked what the men looked like…

 

He looks dirty.

His face looks like a lawn gnome.

He looked like he smelled. And he did.. Really bad, actually.

 

All kidding aside, don’t you think women should take a page from the men?  LET’S START TO LOVE OURSELVES LADIES!

 

men vs women: it's time women love ourselves like men do

Love Yourself Like a Man Loves Himself Photo source: brucesallan.com

 

Can you tell me three things you love about yourself, MAN-style?

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Fun, Getting Older, Humour, Life Lessons Tagged With: , , , , ,

I Love Myself or How I Overcame my Insecure-niacism

October 25, 2012 By

be who you are, love yourself

 

Oh crap. I’m just going to spit it out. I think I’m amazing.  Stop laughing. It’s true.

 

I’m fantastic and I know it.  You could say that I’m newly conceited.  Proud possessor of a swelled head.  Full of self-adoration. Possibly a self-stalker.

 

I’ve been putting off writing this post because I didn’t want anyone to think that I thought too much of myself. Self-love is not socially acceptable. That is unless you’re watching a porno. But then I couldn’t hold my feelings in any longer. I’m throwing caution to the winds. Putting it all on the table, as it were.

 

You see, I’m a recovering Insecure-niac.

 

Never heard of Insecure-niacism?

 

Insecure-niacism: n. a condition where one is full of self-doubt, unsure of one’s value or abilities, or that anyone even likes one (because why would they?) Usually brought on by life experiences including bullies, mean girls, and generalized personality silliness. Symptoms include fishing for compliments, refusal to accept compliments on the basis that they are unfounded, the seeking of approval from others, and denial of insecurities.

 

Lately, though, I’ve become aware that I’m quite awesome. I’ve found my niche. I’m living the Why The Hell Not List. My dreams of Jewprah are slowly coming true, and I’m pretty sure I have fans after my stellar speaking engagement (ok fine I was on a panel) at ShesConnected 2012 .

 

I know that it sounds like I’m really high on myself (which I’m pretty sure I am). But, it’s required that I share all of these findings and accomplishments with you as part of the TEN STEPS that form the structure of my Insecure-Niacs Anonymous meetings.

 

(I’m not naming names or anything, but there are a few celebrities who are also doing the steps…)

 

Tom cruise is a recovering Insecure-niac

 

sally field oscar acceptance speech they like me they really like me

 

I have to tell you, I am really digging being completely self-absorbed.  I highly recommend it.

 

Because I’m generous, and to thank you in advance for going off to  tell everyone how great you think I am, here is the 10 Steps to Loving Yourself Program.

 

  1. Tell yourself you are really good.
  2. Tell yourself you’re gorgeous.
  3. Tell haters to go suck ass.
  4. Say what you want to say and stick by it.
  5. Ignore the naysayers.
  6. Smile a lot. In the mirror.
  7. Wear your fabulousness like a purple glittery feather boa. Wave it in people’s faces.
  8. Be proud.
  9. Know that they’re laughing because they’re jealous.
  10. Tell everyone. Toot your own horn. If you don’t believe it, they won’t.

 

By the way, did you know that this song was written about me? I mean, listen to the lyrics.

 

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it’s you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it…

 

 

How much do you love me? Seriously!  And, more importantly, how much do you love yourself? If the answer is not enough, go do the steps and report back.

 

 

Filed Under: Getting Older, Humour, Life Lessons Tagged With: , , , , , ,

A Letter To My Bullies

October 3, 2012 By

Pen to paper photo source: londonmet.ac.uk

 

This is a letter to my bullies.  Why am I writing it?  Because I think it’s time that we let bullies know that their behaviour, actions and words are NOT ACCEPTABLE.  That they cannot hurt us anymore.

 

Because at momfaze.com, my friend Randi Chapnik Myers courageously wrote a letter to her bully.  And, I was inspired to do the same.  Write your own.  You’ll feel better. Link it here.

 

Writing this less is especially important after this week’s out-ing of a cowardly bully who felt the need to comment on Jennifer Livingston’s weight, and last month’s example of how Whitney Kropp’s community took control and kicked a bunch of school bullies’ asses.

 

It’s time to speak out.  To let go. To change the balance of power. To take back the reigns. To step up.  To make the bullies know it’s not ok.

 

Dear Bullies,

 

This is a global letter to all of you who have treated me with a lack of respect, with no kindness, with malice.  I don’t even remeber some of your names, and to you whose names I do remember, I won’t give you the satisfaction of a mention. You are not worth it. Because, with this letter, I release you.  From my memory, from my feelings of bitterness, from my history.

 

You had no right to tease me about my body, my weight, my hair, my clothes. You had no right to pretend to be my friend and then drive by me laughing. You had no right to tell all the kids at camp to call me ‘hairy moron’ after you sneaked a peak at my pubescent private parts.  You had no right to scar me for life, to destroy my self-esteem, my worth.

 

What made you think it was ok to make fun of me, to take my friends and leave me alone?  To talk behind my back, to stab me in that same back? Was it ok to make me feel bad for my enthusiasm? To take credit for  my work, to bad mouth me to my colleagues, to steal my ideas, to get me fired?  No, it was not ok.  You had no right.

 

Yes, I’m annoying sometimes. Aren’t you?

Yes, I talk to much. Don’t you have flaws?

Yes, I went through puberty.  Doesn’t everyone?

Yes, I make mistakes.  I’m human.  

Maybe I’m too nice, to easy a target.  You should only wish you were.

 

Don’t say I was asking for it by leaving myself bare.  Look at yourself.  WHY DID YOU DO IT?

 

I wonder. Did it make you feel bigger to make me feel small?  Where was the satisfaction in hurting me? Did you go home at night and think about what you’d done? Have you taught your children to treat others like you treated me?

 

To you, the bullies who have invaded my life with your negative energy and bad karma and sour dispositions, I tell you this. I tell you that it’s over.  You’re done.  You are nothing to me.

 

I’m out.  Hope you’re having a nice life. Because I am.  

 

Signed,

 

Hairy moron aka the nerd, aka the girl with fat thighs who talked to much

 

Don’t forget to link your post at momfaze.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Getting Older, Life, Life Lessons Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

50 More Things You May or May Not Want to Know About Me

August 31, 2012 By

source: www.veronicadarling.blogspot.com

 

Yesterday, I overshared a bunch of crap about myself.  Since I like round numbers (don’t tell me 50 is a round number. It has a five in it, so I know it’s not. I’m really good at math), and also, since nobody shares just 50 Things About Themselves, here are the rest.

 

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

My son?  Or was it the pizza guy?  I love the first, and the second one was really nice.

52. Are you nice to everyone?

To their faces… Just joking.  I’m usually nice, except when I’m receiving poor service. Then, I’m the opposite.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Many times. That’s one of the pleasant surprises called life.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Cheating is the work of the devil. I’m not joking.  Cheaters never prosper.  I can’t stand a cheater, and that’s why no matter how good looking he is, I can’t stand Brad Pitt.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Not so much.  I think my face betrays me.  Or my mouth.  I’m not very good at withholding my opinions.

56. Do you think you like someone?

I know that I like someone(s).

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

And I married him.

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

I prefer to be friends with great people.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Everyone has seen me cry.  I cry a lot.

60. Do you hate anyone?

I do. Well, I used to hate her, but now I’m just bored of the whole thing.

61. How’s your heart?

Pumping.  I’m really healthy.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

I don’t want to talk about it.

63. Have you ever cried over a boy?

I’m a girl.  It’s de regeur. Isn’t it?

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Wouldn’t I like to know. I think it’s my GBFF.  I pissed him off and I’m not sorry.

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

Ha! Yes they are.  Well, more of a fuchsia.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

If it’s a good kiss, it’s never a mistake.

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

A man who cries is a man who can share his heart. As long as he’s not crying and obsessed with his mother. That combination might be a problem.

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me in the future.

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

The pizza delivery guy.

70. How do you look right now?

Pretty bedraggled.  My dark circles are reaching legendary proportions.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

I do. My best friend. And, my husband.  But, to tell you the truth, I’m always my complete self. That’s caused me problems on occasion.

72. Can you commit to one person?

I’m a commitment-lover.  I believe in commitment.

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

A woman must have her mysteries.

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

I don’t want to talk about that.  Dead bodies are best left buried.

75. Did you wake up cranky?

OH YES.

76. Are you a jealous person?

I have met the green-eyed monster on occasion.

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

Even bad relationships are worth it for the learning experience. However, abusive relationships are not worth anything.

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

I’m too much of an optimist.

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Yes.  In a few days I’ll see my childhood best friend. I haven’t seen her since we were both 13.

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Be amazing.

81. Last person you cried in front of?

My husband.

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

My Daddy.  Obviously.

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

That’s a very confusing question.  If I wanted to be with me, what would I be doing? Hmmm, well, I’d be counting my bazillion dollars I just won in the Microsoft Special European Lottery.

85. Are you over your past?

I try to be. Every day I try to let go of one negative experience.

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

I have. But, it didn’t work out.  He had bad breath.

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Didn’t I already answer that?  This set of questions is getting repetitive. If It’s boring for me, it must be boring for you.

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept it?

Probably not. I mean, he dumped me for the Grateful Dead. That’s hard to get over.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

I would start by asking my husband why he was wandering around the neighborhood late at night.  Then, I’d consider letting him in.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

I did date one creeper, but we didn’t figure out that he was a creeper until after I dumped him.

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

If I’m not, there will be a big problem.

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

I know several people named Michael.

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

My nephew is named Matthew, so unless you’re referring to frenching, yes.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

Yes, for the last time, I am, was, and will be in a relationship.  I think in January I may have hated him for a few days though.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

I may or may not have been happy with my marriage in March. These things change very quickly depending on the day, you know.

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

He thinks he is.

97. Who do you have texts from?

Who don’t have texts from? Robert Downey Jr., that’s who.

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I’d say ‘Hands off my husband, ho!’

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

About an hour ago.

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

A 25 year old firefighter with a great tattoo and a big heart.

 

Now, it’s your turn. Go find 100 questions that you like, and answer them. Don’t forget to let me know you did it.

 

 

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Fun, Humour, Life Lessons Tagged With: , , ,

Oh Woe Is Me Otherwise Known as Today’s Litany of Complaints

August 28, 2012 By
Oh, woe is me. Watch me complain about all the terrible things that happen to me

source: www.bloglovin.com

 

 

There’s a rut in the air. Not rutting, perverts and readers of historical fiction. Me. I’m in a rut.  Oh, woe is me.

 

It all stems from this bad mood I have today, which all stems from the fact that apparently, my daughter doesn’t have enough throw cushions for her dorm room. Which you know, makes me the most horrible mother in the world.  Because she’s deprived.  Which then puts me in a bad-ish mood since I’m supposed to be this big ole expert on parenting teenagers when I’m just this loser whose kid can’t understand why it’s worth it to buy one’s textbooks at Amazon.ca in order to save $10.

 

Obviously, all of her textbooks are new fucking editions this year.  So, she can’t buy used. And, she has all half courses. And, of course, second term she takes psychology again but NO the second professor does not use THIS psych 101 textbook, (s)he feels the need to use a DIFFERENT $130.00 book that my kid who doesn’t even really like school will need to buy.

 

Take a breath.

 

And, also, in case you were wondering, the money tree we have in the kitchen does not, contrary to it’s name, grow money.  It’s all a lie.  You know what else is a lie?  That when you’ve had two glasses of wine you’ll remember whether or not you changed your tampon.  So, when you can’t find the string the next morning but there’s a wrapper in the garbage but you seem to have pre-alzheimers, which is worrying in itself and you can’t remember if that’s from before your went to the bar or after.  So, now you can spend weeks wondering if there’s a little cotton tube floating around your uterus poisoning it, and even though you don’t need your uterus anymore, it’s a nice-to-have.

 

Take a breath.

 

Sure, also, you’re the worst mother again because your kid sits at home all the time and can’t seem to make plans and even when he does, the other kid’s mom makes him cancel because she always does. Or, your son makes plans at the same time you have to go to the Mandarin Chinese Buffet with your in-laws for their 50th Wedding anniversary (OMG Congratulations, right?!) so then YOU have to make him cancel. Plus, you’re going to California for the first time for a wedding, and you’ll have to wear a bathing suit in front of a whole bunch of people who like to work out but you don’t work out because you’re too lazy and keep getting hurt, and you’re going to the Mandarin Chinese Buffet where there are NO healthy calories.

 

Take a breath.

 

It doesn’t make it better that the night before the day where you’re in a rut you lay awake till all hours trying to fall asleep and the harder you try the less successful you are.  So, you pick up your phone and start looking at Instagram and reading blogs and other websites, which gets your brain going and you fall asleep less. Then, your husband tells you that you couldn’t fall asleep because you didn’t have sex with him which is stupid because first of all in women sex makes you stay awake (unless it’s really boring and then you fall asleep during) and also, there is no way you’re having sex with three teenagers walking around the house because they won’t think it’s Mommy and Daddy wrestling and instead will be incredibly traumatized and will need therapy and as I mentioned, there is NO money tree.

 

Take a breath.

 

It doesn’t help that I had a great time reading all the amazing books that publishers sent me this summer except once I finished one I picked up the next and didn’t pause in between to write the reviews and now I’m behind in my reviews which I promised myself wouldn’t happen again, partially because I seem to be having memory problems that I’m worried about.  I’m not sure if the memory problems are due to stress, an actual medical condition or the fact that I think I may be developing a sensitivity to caffeine which may be the most distressing thing to happen to me in a long time.

 

Take a breath.

 

Luckily, I’m a happy person and I don’t stay in a rut for long.  I can already feel my cheerful and positive nature pulling me out.  Because my life doesn’t really suck.

 

As long as I don’t weigh myself tonight, I should be ok.

 

In case you were concerned.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Embarrassing Situations, Humour, Kids, Life Lessons, Teenagers Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Happy Birthday. No Midlife Crisis Here.

August 16, 2012 By

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would do that would tell anything.

Oscar Wild, A Woman of No Importance.

 

I never claimed that I was good at keeping a secret.

 

Baby, this is what 44 looks like.  And acts like, well, according to my friend Dee Brun on Slice.

 

Blogher12 CheeseBurgher. You know it.

 

Give me a party and I’ll do anything. Except crafts.  My CheeseBurgher hat was the ugliest one in the room, ribbon and glitter-free. However, Mara-style, it read:

 

Make it McSnappy

 

This is also 44: Dorky smile, sun spots, and all kinds of under eye disturbance (caused by staying up too late reading. Some things will never change.)

 

photo credit: coherentWords (Wendi Percival)

 

People say I haven’t aged, and that I look the same.  But, I really have gotten older. And, I’m proud to say so.  Every battle wound, whether physical or emotional has been well-earned, with lessons packed away for future reference.

 

I’ve got sun spots and wrinkles, cellulite and stretch marks.  I’m told I’m thin, but I still see the chubby child in the mirror who reminds me that one bite of cake is enough.  I’m pretty sure that exercise is good for me even though every time I try it, I hurt myself.

 

I know that I have value, and that if you don’t want to be nice to me, if you don’t like me, well, that’s your problem.

 

Blogher12 Aiming Low body art

 

I’m lucky to have amazing kids who have made it to the teenage years without driving me completely bonkers (just sort of bonkers). I’m fortunate to have finally found my life’s work, and that several false starts are just the way it goes because after all with technology everything moves so fast anyway.   Contrary to what people say is ‘healthy’, my life’s purpose was discovered 18 years ago when my first child was born. No matter how old I get, I will be a mother before anything else.

 

I know that even though my Daddy is gone from this world, he’s always with me.

 

Blogher12 Aiming Low body art

 

At 44 I like to laugh. No, I love to laugh. I’m silly most of the time, and even when I’m lecturing my kids I feel like giggling. I just got a tattoo (and in year 43 did some other out-of-comfort-zone things like entering a contest and hanging with actual writers.)  I appreciate a nice set of abs.

 

At 44 I still need my best friend.  I still need the validation of others because that’s the way I’m wired.  I still need my parents and my kids, and my doggies and a big hug from my husband when I’m crying.   I still look to my siblings for a good tussle and to remind them that you’re never too old for sibling rivalry.

 

I’m not having a midlife crisis, mom. I’m being 44.  I’m being me.  I’m the same. Just more saggy with hot flashes and some female bladder incontinence.  Sure, I’m a bit more mature. In the literal sense.  But never in the figurative sense. Because, no matter how old I get, this 32B chest will never sport a bubbie shelf.

 

Now, since calories don’t count on one’s birthday,  I’m off to eat some french fries and red velvet cupcakes.  Catch ya on the other side of the wrinkle cream…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a debate with someone on Twitter about the

Filed Under: Getting Older, Life, Life Lessons, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

To My Son on his 13th Birthday

July 30, 2012 By

image source: http://romero-britto-pop-art-and-hug.blogspot.ca/2011/07/romero-britto-imagenes.html

 

Phew.  Today is the day that you, my baby boy, turn 13.

 

Seriously, I never thought we’d make it this far.  I’m not even kidding. You. As a baby. As a toddler.  As a preschooler. You challenged me.

 

You know what?  We did it.  Together.

 

Before you arrived on the scene, I didn’t feel like our little family was complete. And, after you did, it was.  You were SO wanted.  Never, ever forget that.  The third time is definitely the charm, because you completed our circle of five.

 

When I was first pregnant, I was sure you were a girl.  But, we went to the ultrasound, your sister and I, and you obviously, and the technician asked,

 

Do you want to know the gender?

 

Of course I said yes. I hate surprises, after all.  When she pointed and said, There’s the scrotum, I was shocked.  I answered her with a perplexed,

 

But girls don’t have those.

 

No, they don’t. Nor does anyone have your unique Jonah-ness.   They couldn’t see that magic in the Ultrasound, now could they.

 

You are one of a kind.  If they bottled your energy, they could fill up a whole warehouse of 5Hour Energy drinks.  From the moment you started crawling at three months, I knew I had my work cut out for me.  You kept me running, that’s for sure. That’s when you weren’t laid up with one of your ear infections or other illnesses. You were a brave little guy, going through seven sets of ear tube surgeries, the first when you were only nine months old. I don’t know how someone could have been so happy and smiley when they were sick all the time, but you were.  Luckily you got all of that out of your system, and now, other than the occasional Wednesday-itis, you’re healthy like the proverbial horse.

 

J, your creative naughtiness is legendary.  Singlehandedly, you have dispelled any delusions I had about my mothering skills. You left me breathless, you had me stumped.  Looking at the results of some of your antics I just scratched my head, wondering WHY.  Or HOW.  or even WHEN.  Along the way, though, I’ve learned a lot. About myself, about you, about patience. You taught me to breath. You taught me to look below the surface.  Today, I am who I am because of you.  The bravery and maturity that I see as you own and overcome the challenges that come with your ADHD completely astound me.

 

Today, I apologize.  For not knowing. For not understanding what you needed every day.

 

Your brains.  They are huge. That’s all I can say.  I think you knew more than me when you were 10 years old.  I truly look forward to what the future holds for you. As long as hacking isn’t on the table, I’m fine with whatever you choose to do with your great mind.

 

You are so full of love, even though you keep trying to act all mature and teenager-y. I know you don’t actually think I’m as embarrassing as you say I am.  When I try and hug and kiss you in public, I’m sure that you would like to kiss and hug me back, but you don’t want other people to be jealous of us.  Some of my best nights, in fact, are laying in bed with you reading or watching movies.  I know I cling a bit to you, but you’re our youngest.  I need to keep you small for just a while longer.

 

What can I say to you on your 13th birthday, except that today you are a man.  I can’t wait to see you read the Torah at your Bar Mitzvah, and witness you take your place in the Jewish Community. Even though you say religion is dead, I know one day the pomp and circumstance will mean something to you.  Now, you do it for me. So I can swell with pride as you smile and look toward your future.

 

Kid, you were lucky you were cute when you were little, or we may never have made it to this moment.  But, I’m so glad that we did. And, I’m so happy that we have you in our lives.

 

I am honoured to be your Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Family, Kids, Life, Life Lessons, Teenagers Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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