To My Son on his 13th Birthday

July 30, 2012 By

image source: http://romero-britto-pop-art-and-hug.blogspot.ca/2011/07/romero-britto-imagenes.html

 

Phew.  Today is the day that you, my baby boy, turn 13.

 

Seriously, I never thought we’d make it this far.  I’m not even kidding. You. As a baby. As a toddler.  As a preschooler. You challenged me.

 

You know what?  We did it.  Together.

 

Before you arrived on the scene, I didn’t feel like our little family was complete. And, after you did, it was.  You were SO wanted.  Never, ever forget that.  The third time is definitely the charm, because you completed our circle of five.

 

When I was first pregnant, I was sure you were a girl.  But, we went to the ultrasound, your sister and I, and you obviously, and the technician asked,

 

Do you want to know the gender?

 

Of course I said yes. I hate surprises, after all.  When she pointed and said, There’s the scrotum, I was shocked.  I answered her with a perplexed,

 

But girls don’t have those.

 

No, they don’t. Nor does anyone have your unique Jonah-ness.   They couldn’t see that magic in the Ultrasound, now could they.

 

You are one of a kind.  If they bottled your energy, they could fill up a whole warehouse of 5Hour Energy drinks.  From the moment you started crawling at three months, I knew I had my work cut out for me.  You kept me running, that’s for sure. That’s when you weren’t laid up with one of your ear infections or other illnesses. You were a brave little guy, going through seven sets of ear tube surgeries, the first when you were only nine months old. I don’t know how someone could have been so happy and smiley when they were sick all the time, but you were.  Luckily you got all of that out of your system, and now, other than the occasional Wednesday-itis, you’re healthy like the proverbial horse.

 

J, your creative naughtiness is legendary.  Singlehandedly, you have dispelled any delusions I had about my mothering skills. You left me breathless, you had me stumped.  Looking at the results of some of your antics I just scratched my head, wondering WHY.  Or HOW.  or even WHEN.  Along the way, though, I’ve learned a lot. About myself, about you, about patience. You taught me to breath. You taught me to look below the surface.  Today, I am who I am because of you.  The bravery and maturity that I see as you own and overcome the challenges that come with your ADHD completely astound me.

 

Today, I apologize.  For not knowing. For not understanding what you needed every day.

 

Your brains.  They are huge. That’s all I can say.  I think you knew more than me when you were 10 years old.  I truly look forward to what the future holds for you. As long as hacking isn’t on the table, I’m fine with whatever you choose to do with your great mind.

 

You are so full of love, even though you keep trying to act all mature and teenager-y. I know you don’t actually think I’m as embarrassing as you say I am.  When I try and hug and kiss you in public, I’m sure that you would like to kiss and hug me back, but you don’t want other people to be jealous of us.  Some of my best nights, in fact, are laying in bed with you reading or watching movies.  I know I cling a bit to you, but you’re our youngest.  I need to keep you small for just a while longer.

 

What can I say to you on your 13th birthday, except that today you are a man.  I can’t wait to see you read the Torah at your Bar Mitzvah, and witness you take your place in the Jewish Community. Even though you say religion is dead, I know one day the pomp and circumstance will mean something to you.  Now, you do it for me. So I can swell with pride as you smile and look toward your future.

 

Kid, you were lucky you were cute when you were little, or we may never have made it to this moment.  But, I’m so glad that we did. And, I’m so happy that we have you in our lives.

 

I am honoured to be your Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Family, Kids, Life, Life Lessons, Teenagers Tagged With: , , , , , ,

One more reason I’m a bad parent. Thanks a lot ADHD.

May 8, 2012 By

Source: wikipedia

 

Well, the jury is in. My husband and I are bad parents. That’s because we have a child with ADHD.

 

According to 1,000 people who took part in a survey conducted by The Child Mind Institute on children’s mental health, not only are we endangering our son’s health by putting him on medication, its even worse because his ADHD probably isn’t real, and is really the result of a combination negligent parenting, lax discipline, and our desire to have a zombie child.

 

Sure, we’re responsible for J having ADHD.  After all, he is the product of our mutual genetic material.  But, did we cause ADHD in any other way?   Nope.  No way.

 

I haven’t seen the full survey, and I’m trusting that The Child Mind Institute conducted it with good intentions in an effort to gauge public opinion about children’s mental health issues.

Here’s my take on the results.  I put them into three main categories.

Are you F*cking kidding me?

32% of parents said… ADHD is sometimes more a result of insufficient or absent parenting rather than a true medical condition.

Ok, we’ve already established that I’m a shitty parent, but thanks to 320 people for rubbing it in.  Guess they don’t know how much time parenting an ADHD kid takes. Or, how they complete monopolize the entire house with their ‘antics’. Oh, also, guess they haven’t seen the imaging of an ADHD brain in action.

 

13% of parents said… ADHD should not be treated as a medical condition, but rather as a behavioral issue that can be corrected with discipline.

OOh, let’s teach a child who has impulse control problems to hit when they don’t like something someone does.  Hey 130 people, have you tried to spank the seizure out of an epileptic today?

 

6% of parents said… Psychiatric or learning disorders are more common in single parent families.

No comment except, those are 60 stupid people.

 

10% of parents said… Extended time on standardized tests give children with learning disorders an unfair advantage.

Holy shit. Obviously, those 100 parents are big fat sucky babies who think because their kid didn’t get the highest score because the other kid got more time.

 

16% of parents said… Kids who take medication now are more prone to drug or alcohol addiction later in life.

Actually, kids with ADHD who go untreated are more prone to addiction and legal problems due their impulse control problems.

Food for thought

45% of parents said… Kids with learning disorders tend to have other behavioral issues that hamper their learning.

This is true. For example, my boy has ADHD, a learning disability, and he’s gifted in the 100th percentile.  Poor guy.

 

52% of parents said… Starting kids on medication so young in life is dangerous.

Any medication at any time in life has side-effects and should not be taken lightly.  A child on medication should be monitored frequently for side-effects. For example, we see the psychiatrist anywhere from every 3-6 months, depending on how J is doing, both physically and socially.

 

74% of parents said… Kids are often put on medication as a quick and easy fix.

I actually agree with this one.  My son saw a psychiatrist for three years before we took the leap into the world of Concerta.  Here’s a list of 50 conditions that can present as ADHD.

 

72% of parents said… Doctors and parents are too quick to put kids on medication for ADHD rather than looking for other solutions.

First of all, HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? Did you call everyone of us and ask us if we’d tried anything else?  If these 720 people are speaking from experience, get another doctor.  There are other options, depending on the type of ADHD, the behaviours, and the impact on the child’s well-being.  That being said, cutting out fruit roll-ups is not a cure for ADHD.

 

63% of parents said… Too many children are being diagnosed with ADHD when they just have behavioral issues.

These are the only 630 smart people who took the survey.  Even my son’s psychiatrist said that ADHD is definitely over diagnosed. I myself went through hoops with my elder son when the school thought he had ADHD. After extensive testing, we found that he had a fine motor delay and a weak eye muscles.

The ones that I wish weren’t true:

50% of parents said… Many doctors downplay the risks associated with putting kids on medication to treat ADHD and depression.

I really hope that doctors are discussing all of the side-effects of any medication that they prescribe.  I really hope.

 

45% of parents said… Normal children are being labeled as mentally ill or having learning disorders simply because their teachers can’t handle them.

I am sad to hear people think a teacher would tell parents that their child has a mental illness to make their own life easier. I really hope that this one is ignorant opinion and not based on fact. Because, I would really be disturbed if it was true.

(You can see the results on the Parents Magazine Website, as well an article about the survey in the Globe and Mail.)

I am so tired of hearing that I cannot control my son. I’m tired of the looks, I’m tired of the comments. I’m tired of him being left-out of parties, or of people telling their kids not to play with him because he’s bad.  I’m tired of being judged, of being told that his mental health issue, his medical condition, isn’t real. I’m tired of my son coming home and telling me he’s not like ‘normal’ kids.
I’m done with ridiculous surveys like this one, which use such a small sample of people who have opted in, as opposed to a sample of people who represent a random cross-section of society .
I’m so angry at the media for sensationalizing the answers to the survey with headlines like ‘Nearly a third of people think ADHD is caused by bad parenting.  Would they ever even DARE to headline an article on Tourettes, autism, or even depression that way?
I am fed-up. How is my son supposed to live his life when every where he turns there’s someone telling him that he could stop if he would only try a little harder.
I’m tired, really, of people who don’t live my life, live my son’s life, giving their opinions.  I’m just tired.








Filed Under: Family, Kids, Life Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

My Son has ADHD (and he takes meds)

November 8, 2010 By

Little J

Little J as a Conspiracy Theorist

 

This is my boy, Little J. He’s the most amazing, smart, sweet, loving, gorgeous, special little guy.

He also has ADHD with Gifted.  That means that he is extremely energetic (hyper), talks a mile a minute, and has trouble controlling his emotions and his impulses. It also means that he’s extraordinarily creative, an out-of-the-box thinker, and smarter than anyone I’ve ever met.

Little J is on medication for his ADHD.  We’re not shy or ashamed to say that, and we don’t want him ever to be ashamed of who he is.   Its a fact of life for him.

How Does He Feel? We say his thoughts look like the ‘before’ scene in hoarders, and the medication makes them look like the ‘after’.   As he says, when he takes his pill, he ‘CAN’ and when he doesn’t take his pill, he ‘can’t.  Another way he describes it is, when he doesn’t take his pill, his ‘brains are turned off’.

The Controversy: I know that there are differing opinions around medicating kids for ADHD.  In fact, I personally am not a big fan of any pharmaceutical intervention unless absolutely necessary.  But, after exhausting both ourselves, and our options, when he was 9 years old we took the plunge into the Ritalin world.

Now I also know there are those who believe in a more natural approach.  However, I didn’t realize that this natural point-of-view was also accompanied by a cupful of vigilante-ism combined with a spoonful of mother-guilt and a sprinkling of jerkness.

My Problem is Judgy People: Last week, I saw a post on Twitter that read, “Are you a MOM who medicates your kid? Then Read this.” Of course, I clicked the link. (And I’m not providing the link so you can go read their obnoxious CRAP) After all, I am a Mom who medicates my kid.  Apparently, I’m also a bad mom who is misinterpreting a clinically diagnosed disorder that can be found in the Psychiatric DSM for what’s really just ‘normal childhood misbehaviour combined with a bad diet.’ Are you fricking KIDDING ME?  Apparently, if I would just allow him to exercise more and cut the sugar and additives out of his diet then all would be well.  I’ve been living with attitudes like this one for a long time, and I’m just about fed up!

I do agree that there are many kids who would respond very well to non-chemical therapies. My son’s psychiatrist told us that 80% of kids on ADHD meds are misdiagnosed or over- medicated.  (By the way, its this non-intervention attitude that attracts us to her).  My boy however, is in that 20% who is correctly diagnosed and needs the medication to be successful both socially and academically.

You live my life: I would humbly ask the author of the article if they have ever watched their child cry himself to sleep because someone told their kid: “Don’t play with Little J,he’s bad”, or because he didn’t get a (or any) party invitation(s).  Has their child missed out on school programming because he couldn’t control his impulses and whacked another kid with a chair?  Have they been afraid to drop their child off for playdates because they don’t know what he’ll do when he’s there, or waited in dread for that phone call from the mom or from the school? I’d like to know if they’ve ever been thrown out of the free program at the library, or asked to leave a store.  Have they ever seen their child colour another’s face with a sharpie to look like a Power Ranger because ‘it seemed like a good idea at the time.’ (That one is a tiny bit funny and creative. )  Have they been that women we all look at in the store and think, “Can’t she control her child?”

My point is: Please don’t judge or impose your values on me and try and make me feel bad if I must choose differently than you would.  If you want to tell me about other options, I am open to hearing them (Hence my clicking on the link), but guilt and finger-pointing will get you nowhere.   Remember that old proverb “Don’t judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes.” It’s true.  Actually, maybe I should sent Litttle J over to the author’s house for a few days without his Concerta and see how they fare .   Hmm, now that’s an idea!

Filed Under: Kids Tagged With: , , ,