In my continuous efforts at self improvement, try new things and spend money, I decided to plant a vegetable garden this year.  A lofty goal since I’ve been charged in the past with murder in the first degree by the Living Green Things Police.

 

My husband asked the guy who mows the lawn for $20 to dig up a plot in the sunniest, hottest corner of my backyard.  My husband thought we’d have a big pile of dirt in the back yard all summer.

 

Just to spite him and his negativity, I went out and spent more on plants than the actual vegetables I was going to grow would cost if I bought them at the store.

 

I put on the ultimate gardening chic outfit, slipped on my gardening gloves, and picked up my trowel.

 

 

And, I planted those green things, apologizing and saying a little prayer as I went along.  I even used MANURE.  Not MANICURE.  MANURE. Like poo.

 

 

The green things started to grow.  And grow, and grow.  None of them died (although a strawberry was kidnapped by the local bunny rabbit).   My plants just kept getting bigger and more lush.

 

 

 

It was time to use some of my herbs at the table in a concoction I like to call Greek Quinoa, I chose Lemon Mint and Pineapple Sage.  As I was nipping and snipping, I took a good look at the Lemon Mint plant and noticed that some of the leaves looked not like the others. I chewed on one of the weird looking ones and thought to myself, Doesn’t taste like mint-it’s a bit spicy. But, what do I know.  Not only have I never had lemon mint, I’ve never actually grown anything.   I took the cuttings into the kitchen, rinsed them off, and did a little thing I like to call chiffonade.  I tossed the handful into the dish, all the while ignoring a little voice niggling at the back of my head, Those mint leaves looked weird…You sure you want to serve them to guests?  

 

Next morning, as I am wont to do everyday, I went out to look at the garden to see how everyone was doing.  Upon additional inspection, that lemon mint plant still looked weird.  There were ugly ratchety green leaves on one side that grew tall, and pretty little green leaves with reddish brown colouring on the other that grew close two the ground. I realized that there were two distinct plants growing together out of one root base-one of which I didn’t plant. One of them was a parasite. A WEED.  One of them I served my guests, and the other I did not.  Guess which one…

 

I got mad and started ripping on those bastards who made a fool out of me  I was going to murder those weeds.  Just like I’ve murdered so many plants before.

 

 

But, the best I could do was just injure them.  I couldn’t get their roots without digging up the mint.

 

 

I learned a few things that day:

• I remember why gardening hates me
• Even when you try and poison your guests by feeding them weeds, it doesn’t work
• When you are such a good gardener like me, you can’t kill plants, even if you try

 

In other news, baby hot banana peppers look like dildos.

 

Greek Quinoa (I forgot to take  a picture with the whole ‘we’re eating weeds thing happening’)

Prepare 1 1/2 cups dry Quinoa of your choice (I like tri-colour).  Let cool.

Small dice:  2 cups english cucumber, 1 small red pepper, one medium ripe tomato

Slice:  3 scallions, 1 can artichokes in water

Mix all of the above together with 1 tub of herb and garlic feta, chopped mint (not weeds), fresh oregano  (the Pineapple Sage was delicious too)

Drizzle with 1 tbsp olive oil, and season with kosher salt, freshly ground black pepper and lemon juice to taste

 

Enjoy!