So everyone knows that I am quite possibly the nicest or best sister in the entire world. I had a month to
stew adjust on what my life would be like sans my wife nanny. Convinced that could easily overcome my serious HOUSEWORK ALLERGY, I was all over the idea of doing the laundry. I had the groceries organized. I had the arrangements made for Luisa (my soon-to-be ex wife nanny) to come and clean on Fridays (I mean, I am allergic to housework, so baby steps with regard to bathrooms, floors, dusting, etc). The kitchen was already clean, and all I had to do was keep it that way until Fantastic Luisa Friday. I could do this.
On the Sunday night before the Monday, the first day of Operation Housewife (as I was laughingly calling it) I asked the family a few key questions to ensure a smooth and successful first morning.
Q1: What do you kids like to eat for lunch?
Q2: What do you kids like to eat for breakfast?
Q3: What do you like to eat for breakfast other than the hot breakfast you referenced when answering Q2
Q4: Where are your lunch boxes?
I figured that the answers to those four questions would mean a smooth before school morning, and once the
spoiled bums sweet darlings left at 8:00 and 8:15 respectively, I would get back into bed, sip my coffee, and plan a day which would include:
-the preparation of a delicious yet healthy dinner
Well the sh*t hit the fan in the morning when I was torn from sleep by my husband who had to literally push me off the bed to go make the lunches and provide breakfast to hungry boys (luckily the teenage daughter doesn’t actually eat). When I went downstairs, they tried to talk to me before I’d had coffee. Then, they lay on the couch expecting to be served bacon and eggs. Bacon and eggs? Did I look like the cook at Sunset Grill? I asked them to
get off their asses and kindly join me in the kitchen to procure their own breakfasts as I was very busy making nutritious yet appealing lunches for them. I silently cursed the nanny for creating these kinds of expectations (like hot breakfasts and custom lunches), but at the same time admired her for her multi-tasking abilities.
Notwithstanding the ungodly hour, I managed to get the kids off to school. On his way out, Little J patted me on the back and said, ‘You’re doing a great job, Mom.’ I smiled, and took his compliment while chuckling to myself. This housewifering stuff was coming back to me.
Then, I looked at the piles of laundry. They were daunting. Like Mount Everest, only dirty clothes, and not cool like Mount Everest. There may have been 300 towels. I didn’t know we had that many people living in our house who bathed. I threw the first giant pile over the banister and loaded up the machine. Then, I remembered that I’d decided to switch to Soap Nuts last year. It seemed like a good idea at the time, considering that I wasn’t doing the laundry. While they are very natural, it may have been the worst notion I’ve ever had. These soap nuts, while ecologically responsible and towel-softening, are EVIL. And, I CAN’T SWITCH BACK. Because Luisa comes Fridays and I DON’T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A LAZY HYPOCRITE (to my former
Imagine regular, bad for the environment, chemical-laden laundry soap: Step 1, take of cap. Step 2, pour the appropriate measure in cap. Step 3, pour into soap dispenser.
Imagine Soap Nuts: Step 1: locate little tiny bag that has gone missing in laundry room. Step 2: unknot little tiny string holding bag closed and take out old soap nuts. Step 3: put a few soap nuts in bag and tie little tiny string again. Step 4: go get a cup or other vessel and fill it with hot water to activate the soap nuts (since I use cold water) Step 5: after a few minutes, take wet bag out of cup and throw it in the machine. Step 6: pour some of the liquid in the soap dispenser. Step 7: after the load is done, search through all the wet clothes (jeans and sweats are super fun and easy to do this with) for the tiny canvas bag. Step 8: thank goodness you can use the nuts for three loads. Step 9: on the fourth load (yes, I do about 7 loads at a time) repeat steps 2 – 7 again.
Needless to say, I did not do any of the above activities I’d planned for my day.
Tomorrow, more adventures. A little teaser…