When I Showed My Husband the ‘What Do Moms Do All Day’ Picture…

April 24, 2012 By

Most of the time, my husband is great. I mean, he’s a bit moody, but show me a man who isn’t, and I’ll show you a woman who wants to be with her kids ALL the time.  Its also no secret that  housekeeping is not my activity of choice.  But, I do try. I really do try (well, not really).

When I showed the Old Man this picture and read him the story (its not that he can’t read, its that he’s advanced in years, and generally too lazy to go get his glasses), his response was, ‘What’s the big deal?  The house always looks like that.‘
WHAT?!
Then the boys chimed in, ‘Yeah, Mom. What’s the big deal?’
I’m sure you’ll agree with me when I say, ‘WHAT AN ASSHOLE. And, two in training.’
A crazy stay-at-home mom house

WHAT DO WE DO ALL DAY?

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found …an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel… She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’ She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?…

”Yes,” was his incredulous reply..
She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’
(I can’t locate source of this story. But, I’m no plagiarizer.  It could be this:  http://robinroost.blogspot.ca/ but it was shared on FB from here: Suzie’s Daily Quotes)
Filed Under: Family, Humour, Kids, Operation Housewife Tagged With: , , , ,

Operation Housewife: Week One

December 12, 2011 By

Operation Housewife

So everyone knows that I am quite possibly the nicest or best sister in the entire world.  I had a month to stew adjust on what my life would be like sans my wife nanny. Convinced that could easily overcome my serious HOUSEWORK ALLERGY,  I was all over the idea of doing the laundry. I had the groceries organized.  I had the arrangements made for Luisa (my soon-to-be ex wife nanny) to come and clean on Fridays (I mean, I am allergic to housework, so baby steps with regard to bathrooms, floors, dusting, etc). The kitchen was already clean, and all I had to do was keep it that way until Fantastic Luisa Friday.  I could do this.

On the Sunday night before the Monday, the first day of Operation Housewife (as I was laughingly calling it)  I asked the family a few key questions to ensure a smooth and successful first morning.

Q1:  What do you kids like to eat for lunch?

Q2:  What do you kids like to eat for breakfast?

Q3:  What do you like to eat for breakfast other than the hot breakfast you referenced when answering Q2

Q4: Where are your lunch boxes?

I figured that the answers to those four questions would mean a smooth before school morning, and once the spoiled bums sweet darlings left at 8:00 and 8:15 respectively, I would get back into bed, sip my coffee, and plan a day which would include:

-blogging

-job hunting

-tweeting

-yoga

-the preparation of a delicious yet healthy dinner

Well the sh*t hit the fan in the morning when I was torn from sleep by my husband who had to literally push me off the bed to go make the lunches and provide breakfast to hungry boys (luckily the teenage daughter doesn’t actually eat).  When I went downstairs, they tried to talk to me before I’d had coffee. Then, they lay on the couch expecting to be served bacon and eggs.  Bacon and eggs?  Did I look like the cook at Sunset Grill?  I asked them to get off their asses and kindly join me in the kitchen to procure their own breakfasts as I was very busy making nutritious yet appealing lunches for them.  I silently cursed the nanny for creating these kinds of expectations (like hot breakfasts and custom lunches), but at the same time admired her for her multi-tasking abilities.

Notwithstanding the ungodly hour, I managed to get the kids off to school.  On his way out, Little J patted me on the back and said, ‘You’re doing a great job, Mom.’  I smiled, and took his compliment while chuckling to myself.  This housewifering stuff was coming back to me.

Endless laundry

Then, I looked at the piles of laundry.  They were daunting.  Like Mount Everest, only dirty clothes, and not cool like Mount Everest.  There may have been 300 towels.  I didn’t know we had that many people living in our house who bathed.  I threw the first giant pile over the banister and loaded up the machine.  Then, I remembered that I’d decided to switch to Soap Nuts last year.   It seemed like a good idea at the time, considering that I wasn’t doing the laundry. While they are very natural, it may have been the worst notion I’ve ever had.  These soap nuts, while ecologically responsible and towel-softening, are EVIL. And, I CAN’T SWITCH BACK. Because Luisa comes Fridays and I DON’T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A LAZY HYPOCRITE (to my former wife nanny).

Imagine regular, bad for the environment, chemical-laden laundry soap:  Step 1, take of cap.  Step 2, pour the appropriate measure in cap.  Step 3, pour into soap dispenser.

Imagine Soap Nuts:  Step 1:  locate little tiny bag that has gone missing in laundry room.  Step 2:  unknot little tiny string holding bag closed and  take out old soap nuts.  Step 3:  put a few soap nuts in bag and tie little tiny string again.  Step 4:  go get a cup or other vessel and fill it with hot water to activate the soap nuts (since I use cold water)  Step 5:  after a few minutes, take wet bag out of cup and throw it in the machine. Step 6:  pour some of the liquid in the soap dispenser.  Step 7:  after the load is done, search through all the wet clothes (jeans and sweats are super fun and easy to do this with) for the tiny canvas bag. Step 8:  thank goodness you can use the nuts for three loads.  Step 9:  on the fourth load (yes, I do about 7 loads at a time) repeat steps 2 – 7 again.

Needless to say, I did not do any of the above activities I’d planned for my day.

Tomorrow, more adventures. A little teaser…

Operation Housewife

Filed Under: Humour, Life, Operation Housewife Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Valium Chronicles: My Family Hates Me

November 6, 2011 By
I love my nanny

My family officially hates me.  And, I was only trying to do the RIGHT thing. To be a KIND person.  To SAVE money. To be a GROWNUP.

But apparently, what I did, was ruin their lives, and be the WORST MOTHER EVER!

This is what happened.

My sister has a baby. He’s one of the totally cutest babies ever. He’s one year old, so it was time for her to go back to work.

She suffers, like me, from the Housework Allergy (it must run in the family, although our mother doesn’t have it, so it must have skipped a generation). Therefore, for her back-t0-work plan, she chose to sponsor a nanny as opposed to putting her baby in daycare.  Except, her nanny didn’t arrive in time and the boy went off to daycare anyways.  He promptly got sick a lot, which was very stressful for her, since the baby doesn’t sleep at the best of times.  When he’s sick or teething or even its Monday, his sleep is even more disrupted.   The situation came to a head when had a breakdown one morning after  realizing she hadn’t done laundry in two weeks.   Needless to say, my baby sister was on her last nerve.

She finally heard from the nanny who said she had her interview booked, and she’d be able to come soon. Like really soon.  Sis was ECSTATIC.

Then, the bad news came.  The nanny got declined.  She didn’t have the right credentials. AFTER ALL THAT!!

My sister called me, so upset.  She’s my baby sister.  I’m a fixer.  What did I do?

‘Oh Sister, you can take my nanny.’  I offered this without thinking of the aftershocks that Luisa leaving would have on my life.  All I knew was that I was SAVING THE DAY!

I AM THE SISTER OF THE YEAR

Now, my nanny (well she’s really a housekeeper as there’s nobody to nanny around here) is the goddess of all nannies. No family has ever been taken care of better.  She is far beyond a cure for my housework allergy.  She is MY WIFE.  The downside to being cared for like this, however, is that we have all become a big pile of slobbypant layabouts.

I told my family (This is the point where they started to hate me, if you were wondering when I was going to get to the point):

‘Sara needs Luisa, so Luisa has agreed to go work for her.  We’re all going to pitch in to take care of ourselves.’

My family was not pleased:

‘No way, forget it. Tell her she can’t go.  Who is going to do everything?  And who is going to section my grapefruits for me?’ (The husband)

‘Pleeeeeeze no!!!  I love her. And she makes me BACON every morning.  Plus, the dogs love her. Noooooooooo.’  (Little J)

‘Oh.’  (Diva).  (Then I reminded her that she’d have to pick up after herself now, and help out around the house.) ‘Oh. Are you going to be mean to us now?’  (she’s 17, what did I expect?’)

‘Can I have her room?  ManCave in the BASEMENT!! YESS!! (Bubba) (Ok I guess he doesn’t hate me. But he’s so sweet, he’d never hate me.)

Grrrrr.. Wooof. GGrrrrr (the dogs, who sit at her door and cry all weekend when she’s not there)

Ban Housework Everywhere

Then, as I started to think about it, I realized:

  • I’d have to get up and make the kids breakfast and the lunches in the morning.
  • I’d have to do the laundry, which includes learning how to use the Soap Nuts. And fold it. And put it away.
  • I don’t know where anything goes.
  • I don’t even know what the kids like in their lunches.
  • I’ll have to clean up after myself when cooking.
  • My beds wouldn’t be all fluffy and made and stuff unless I did it myself.
When I kept thinking about it, I came to a very important conclusion.  I’m a spoiled brat, and that’s why my kids are spoiled.
Being a loving sister is probably the best thing that will ever have happened to my  family.
This truly is TOUGH LOVE PEOPLE.  Its CHICKY BOOT CAMP!  And you’re all learning how to do laundry!
And, ps. I don’t care if you hate me!
PPS, in case of flare ups of the Housework allergy, please send valium.
editor’s note:  I will still not be doing the cleaning as a flare up of the housework allergy could result in serious complications such as my children applying to the courts for emancipation, divorce, and the risk of my own nervous breakdown.
Filed Under: Family, Humour, Life Tagged With: , , , ,