What Does 20 Years of Marriage Mean?

May 16, 2013 By 22 Comments
Marriage Quote by Rita Rudner

Marriage Quote by Rita Rudner
Celebrating 20 years of marriage

 

Twenty years. What can a person accomplish in 20 years?  Well, apparently, and somehow, against all odds, being the child of multiple divorces, I have accomplished a marriage.

 

Today is my 20th anniversary.

 

Twenty years ago today, I was wearing a gigantic white satin Eve of Milady dress that was so large it required it’s own bedroom in my Mother’s house, and three people to hold it up so I could pee, and chomping at the bit for my turn down the aisle. I was excited. No jitters for me. This was my moment.

 

20 Years of Marriage

20 Years of Marriage

 

The party was planned down to every last detail, including tiny white rosettes which were glue-gunned onto black and gold napkin rings made from the same ribbons used in the bouquets. My event was going to go off without a hitch. Never mind the band didn’t know how to play OUR SONG, More Than Words by Extreme. Everything else was going to go great. Not to worry that my father was late, and I walked in on him and my mother in the bathroom and after 20 years of divorce she was helping him get dressed, which was completely weird. That was all secondary.

 

20 years before: under the Chuppah

20 years before: under the Chuppah

 

It wasn’t even just about the wedding. It was about the marriage. Me, and Jack, and making a family. I knew that a lot of brides lost sight of that, but I wasn’t going to.

 

Happiness at the wedding

Marking 20 Years of Marriage

 

I knew that I was getting MARRIED.

 

That I would be a WIFE.

 

That it would be WORK.

 

That there would be UPS and DOWNS and even SIDEWAYS. I knew all these things, but I really had no idea what they would mean. I was 25 years old, in love, and excited to embark on a grand adventure. One that was beginning with three weeks in France and Italy. That’s reality.

 

Twenty years. Three children. Four dogs, two houses. Jobs, careers, career changes, romance, arguments, making up. Socks thrown (better than books or dishes, right?) screaming, laughter, tears, and love. Roadblocks, understanding, headbanging, wallbanging (you know what I mean), making out, making up, and the odd “Get the hell out.”

 

Twenty years of compromise and respect, and the occasional disrespect. And understanding that you can love someone but not like them for that moment.

 

All those years, and I didn’t really get it. I mean, I got it a bit, because we’ve made it through some pretty interesting times. But, until last week, I didn’t understand the depth of it. The reason it’s lasted 20 years.

 

Have you read The Gift of the Magi by O.Henry? I have read it so many times, but it has never truly resonated with me. Until now.

 

In the story, James and Dilla want more than anything to buy each other the perfect Christmas present. But, they don’t have very much money. Life is tough  but they have one another to lean on. This one time, though, they want to do something special for their true love, to make them happy with a ‘thing’. But, as they find out, it’s really the thought, the mutual sacrifice, that really matters.

 

The Gift of the Magi, the irony of the gifts that James and  Dilla gave each other, the offerings that they would make to ensure their partner’s happiness above their own. That is what marriage truly is.

 

After 20 years, I know this. Because I’ve just experienced it.

 

So, I believe, that’s why we stay together, no matter how many fists are clenched in frustration, how many nasty retorts are bitten back or complaints are made about an unloaded dishwasher or a forgotten call home. When we’re both stressed to the max and have nothing left over, when we ask too many questions, or not enough. When all we can feel and see is that feeling of “Who IS this person? And why? Just why?”

 

No matter all of that, when my husband would sell his proverbial watch to buy me a jewelled comb for my hair,  I know that he loves me. That we’re meant for each other.

 

That is what you can accomplish in 20 years.

 

 

Filed Under: Getting Older, Life, Life Lessons Tagged With: , , ,

After 19 Years, My Marriage Knows a Few Things

May 16, 2012 By

love

 

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. 

~H.L. Mencken, A Book of Burlesques, 1916

 

Nineteen Years old.  My marriage is 19 years old today.

 

When I was 19 I thought I knew everything.  My marriage, while it doesn’t know everything, does know a few things at it approaches the end of its teenage years.

 

I got married at 24. I thought I was so grownup. I remember the day after my wedding, I went to the mall to buy a pair of running shoes (really ugly early 90s ones) for my honeymoon tour of Italy and France.  I felt so matronly as I signed my brand-new credit card with my brand new last name.  Even though I loved the name I already had, the feeling of changing my signature, of being a ‘Mrs.’ was so intoxicating.

 

Little did I know.

 

Marriage is a hard ride, little sparrows.  There’s nothing bumpier, less predictable, more joyful, less frustrating.  You are connected to a person, your person, regardless of their foibles, snoring, hairy ears, and other assorted weird habits and moods, ostensibly until the end of time.

 

‘So now I’m praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
‘Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive’

 

I’m a child of divorce. Multiple ones.  I’ve got stepfathers, stepmothers,and siblings hidden in places you’d never think to look.    So, when I got married, I made a commitment to my husband, and to myself, to try and make this matrimony thing work against all the odds.  Crazy, you might say, to make a promise to oneself like that.  What if ours turned out to be an abusive relationship or he ended up being a big fat cheater like Don Draper?  What if he was so annoying I wanted to murder him with a cleaver because of the way wiggled his ugly eyebrow?  What if I just fell out of love?

 

But yes, I decided, unless any of the above untenable situations (please add limiting shoe shopping and the drinking of wine to the list) occurred, I’d stick it out.  And, not for the kids. For myself.

 

Since my husband hasn’t done any of those untenable things, we are still together, going the distance, riding the waves, and overcoming the challenges life lovingly provides  I thought I’d share some things I know after 19 years of marriage:

 

  1. It’s ok to pee, fart, and poop  in front of your spouse.  The ruse of pretending you don’t do those things will only work to about year five.
  2. Following that, if you’re really tired and he’s in the mood, just tell him you have gas.  Instant deflation.
  3. Encourage him to buy black jockey shorts.  It makes doing the whites way less unpleasant.
  4. There’s nothing embarrassing about changing your tampon in front of your husband.  If he can buy ‘em, then he knows about them. Plus, trust me, he’s mapping your cycles on his iPhone with this little app.
  5. Some husbands need to be reminded to pay that little bit of extra attention to their wives.  Bimonthly tantrums including crying, crumpled tissues, and sock throwing really do the trick.
  6. If you leave the mess long enough, he’ll eventually clean it up. Then, you won’t have to.  But, if he dares to comment on the mess, well, see point #4.
  7. If you show your husband your boobs, he’ll do just about anything for you.
  8. Don’t spoil your husband by catering to his every need. Trust me, while you feel like the little wifey now, it will backfire in the future when he’s just one other child for you to mother.
  9. No matter when you bought it, you’ve had it forever.
  10. If you’re mad, just say it.  Frankly, your husband is probably too wrapped up in the baseball game or episode of Deep Space 9 to notice on his own.  State your case, then walk away.  He’ll eventually think about it, on his own time,and  realize the error of his ways.  In other words, haranguing will get you nowhere, but patience and the silent treatment will.
  11. You don’t need to shave your legs in the winter. He’ll do it with you anyways.
  12. You can never LIKE someone all the time.

Happy Anniversary, husband.  If we make it through my menopause, we’ll be set for life.

 

Filed Under: Family, Humour, Life Tagged With: , , , , ,

I’ve Been Dumped for a New Model

March 22, 2012 By

someecards.com - Thanks for dumping me. I'm off to the tropics.

My husband has dumped me for a new girl.  And I’m thrilled.

He can’t wait to see her, and rushes home early from work to climb on her back.   He likes to polish her chrome and caress her till all hours of the night.

He’s been buying her gifts, and dresses up in fancy leather jackets just for her.

He even asked me to take a picture of them together.  The nerve.

my husband sitting on his new true love, his motorcycle

My husband and his lover

You’re thinking Midlife Crisis.  Well, that would make sense, except that this isn’t the first time he’s had one of those.  He’s had a 1/3 life crisis, a five years after that crisis, and now this one.

We’ve been through guitar lessons, professional photography, kite boarding, running and cycling.  Usually, if I humour him, his interests seem to burn themselves out pretty quickly, even though they quickly drain our (not) disposable income.

This is the second time the motorcycle, or as I like to call it, ‘my road to riches from insurance money’, has entered the equation.  The first time I was able to nag talk him out of riding the hog  This time, not so much.  Maybe I’m losing my touch.  Because while I didn’t actually give my blessing, I protested the bike in such a milquetoasty way that he chose to interpret my apathy as acquiescence.

Anyways, there really are more pros than cons to this motorcycling, when I look at it from my perspective (isn’t it always about me?).

And, since obviously, I’m going to have to ride this one out (get it?) I’m  look over the rainbow reflecting off the Zayde’s Angels Patch he’s sporting on the back of his jacket, and straight into ‘how does this thing benefit me’ land.

The cons:

  1. Its really dangerous.
  2. He’ll be gone a lot on the weekends (oh, wait, that might be a pro)
  3. Its expensive (oh wait, that might be a pro also)

The Pros:

  1. He’ll be having a lot of ‘HE’ time.  I won’t have to feel guilty when I want to go to yoga, or get manicures or go shopping for hours or merely hang at the BFF’s.
  2. He’ll be having a lot of  ’HE’ time and will be feeling guilty about it (because I will make him), and will thus have to make it up to me.
  3. He bought himself a motorcycle.  That covers the next 40 years of birthdays, anniversaries, and Fathers Days.
  4. He bought himself a motorcycle.  He cannot object to anything I want to buy myself for the next 40 years or so.
  5. Since he’ll be riding his motorcycle, the daughter will no longer nag me for my car, and I won’t be trapped at home.
  6. Since he’s got himself a solitary totally narcissistic hobby called the motorcycle, he cannot harass me about mine, which is Twitter.
  7. This motorcycle give me eternal AMMUNITION.  ’You bought a motorcycle..so…’

See, way more Pros than Cons. That’s how our marriage rolls.  Give and take. And manipulation.

Sayonara Easy Rider, I’m off to the Spa.

Filed Under: Family, Getting Older, Humour Tagged With: , , , , ,

What’s Really Sexy: The Truth About Marriage

February 24, 2012 By

Snow Heart

Ever think about why some people stay married (or in relationships) and others don’t?

Well, I do.

I’ve been married for almost 19 years to a not particularly romantic guy.  We’ve actually been together for what will be 22 years come May.  That’s a loooooooooooooong time.

Before I started dating the young fella who was lucky enough to marry me, I’d never had a relationship longer than 3 months.  I used to go for the BAD BOYS. You know the type.  The ones who’d say things like:

‘I’m breaking up with you. Its not you, its me.’

‘I know its two weeks before your prom, but I just need a break, ya know, to find myself.’

or, howabout, ‘I need the freedom to follow The Dead.  I can’t be worrying if I need to call you or something.’

This was the last one before I met my husband, and the reason I went for a ‘NICE GUY’ finally:  ‘Its not that my boss necessarily wants to date me, but its more that my friend says I shouldn’t be so tied down by a girlfriend right now.’

Its evident that I had great taste.  In jerks. I could spot them a mile away by their asshole attitude and carefully ripped jeans.

I was having a chat with my manicurist today (I have fake nails and I’m not gonna lie, they’re awesome).  She is this absolutely STUNNING Italian woman, who is, at 34, still single.  She’s been through the rounds of dating and refuses to settle just to get that white picket fence. She’s not overly picky, and in fact, can’t understand women who are looking, fruitlessly, for the imaginary trifecta comprising the perfect man:  money, personality and great abs.

She just wants a fair, respectful, and equal relationship, along with a little love magic, and hasn’t found it yet.  Anyways, we were talking about marriage and relationships and why people split up, and why people stay.

‘I think people mistake lust for something that’s permanent,’ she pointed out.  ‘That fades, and when its gone, they want to leave. Lust doesn’t last 30 years, but companionship, friendship-those do.’

I agreed.  ‘The grass isn’t always greener.  What happens when you find a new lust and then in a few years that burns out too.  What do you do?  Keep leaving?’

We commiserated.  Then, I told her what my husband had done for me just that day.

‘This morning, I went to turn my automatic starter on to warm up the car so I wouldn’t have to scrape all the snow off, and you know what the Man did?  He cleaned all the snow off the car and moved it into the garage.’

She laughed.  ‘That’s amazing.  What I’d like to say is Why shouldn’t he?  But I know that most men would never have thought to do that.’

‘You’re absolutely right’,  I replied. ’That’s the reason I married him.  No matter how annoying he is 43% of the time, he always thinks of me.  It’s the small things that remind me why I fell in love with him the first time he kissed me.’

We both sighed.

So, back to the beginning, here’s my take on why people stay and why people leave.  Marriage is hard work.  Really, its all about being around one person for a long time, and having to make decisions together and raise people, and handle money, and go through ups and downs and love handles and muffin tops and temptation and the green grass on the other side.   That stuff is not sexy.  And, a lot of sex but no talking, and only caring about yourself and your own happiness just isn’t going to cut the mustard.

Marriage is about compromise, and a lot of thinking about the other person before yourself. When you both do that, everybody is taken care of just fine.

Personally, I think people have got to get a little boring sometimes.  Be happy laying in bed together watching TV (I’ve been with this man for 22 years and we have a TV in our bedroom and we’re STILL together).  Be happy just hanging out.  Be comfortable in your own skins and each others.  Don’t hold a grudge, and understand that there is no way in hell you can ever like someone all the time.

Lastly, I’d like to point out to all the men that moving the car into the garage during a snowstorm, that right there turns you into a sex machine more than any abs could ever do. Besides, abs only last as long as you keep doing sit-ups. But, being a Mensch is forever.

Filed Under: Family, Life Tagged With: , , , , , , ,