Memories.  Like the corners of my mind. Misty watercolored memories. Of the way we were. Scattered pictures…

This was one of the first songs that I played (quite badly) on piano as a child.  As I get older, as my children get older, the lyrics start to actually make sense, maybe even mean much more.  This song, from the movie, The Way We Were, starring the inimitable Barbra Streisand, and the forever awesome Robert Redford, illuminates to me the feeling of time passing, of our inability to grasp and hold those fleeting moments we call every day.

I was falling asleep the other night, and I realized that my carefully curated memories- of my children’s baby and toddler days, of  those early years of primary school- are fading.  What used to be vivid Technicolor visions are now water-coloured, diluted by the new memories that have been built on top.  I don’t know if its aging (sometimes I say that my brain is just full), or that time is just passing at hyper speed but I feel like I’m grasping at reminiscence, trying to hold on to these thoughts so I don’t lose them.

When my babies were small, I’d walk into the house and yell, ‘Mommy’s home.’ I’d hear little feet pounding the floor, gleeful screams of ‘Mommy, Mommy’ then faces, legs, arms smashing into me, squeezing, hugging, nearly knocking me over.  That feels like yesterday, except those days are long gone. Disappeared into high school, tweenhood, almost university.  But still, every single time I walk in the door I call out  ’Mommy’s home.’ Sometimes forgetting, sometimes hoping that I can turn the clock back for one moment.  Then, I could have the warmth of the baby’s breath on my neck, a pj’d body snuggling in my bed, a spaghetti-covered face smiling up at me.  Then, I could re-make that memory, make it full of colour once again.

Those days are all now melted into one silent movie called life.  They’re like sepia-toned versions of the past, vague, fleeting, impossible to grasp.

On the upside, now that I’ve stopped crying, I’ll be 48 when my last kid goes off to University. And then ME AND THE HUBS WILL BE ABLE TO PARTY LIKE ITS 1999.  Without having to rely on walkers.